I hate making these posts but I get to do it once again. Since I hate these posts so much I'm going to crosspost the same thing to both blogs. It saves me the little bit of sanity I have left.
At 12:30 A.M on Tuesday I got the call that Miss T was in labor. I made the frantic middle of night disoriented drive to the hospital. I made it in time to witness the birth of an amazing little boy and cut the cord at 4:30 A.M. To say it was a miracle is an understatement. Miss T and her family and the hospital staff were wonderful to me. I had a security band so I could be with the baby and take him to and from the nursery, I was able to have a private room and kept him with me the first 24 hours of his life. Heather and Darby were with us and were able to hold and love on him too. He was precious.
This morning when the time came to sign relinquishments mom choose to parent rather than move forward with the adoption. So yet again I packed up our things, kissed a sweet boy goodbye, and had to call the people I loved and tell them one more time never mind. I've heard all the platitudes, said all the prayers and cried more tears then I ever dreamed. But I'm home now and I'm without a baby but I'm really not alone.
Heather came home with me for awhile. She headed back home to go to school late this afternoon, Darby took a shift with me and Shawn, Amanda and Mattie did the dinner and evening shift. I'm gonna head to bed shortly and I'm looking forward to some rest in my own bed.
I won't lie I want to lay down on the nursery room floor and bawl. I want to throw things and scream and fight and give up. But I won't. I think back to my mom and how she fought for us. She adopted me after many miscarriages and she had a very tough pregnancy with Heather when doctors told her she would never carry a baby to term. And then she fought our whole lives to give us what we needed and be the mom God wanted her to be. And then when she found out she had pancreatic cancer and was going to die she fought till the end to stay with us. She didn't want to leave her children. It was her job to be with us so she fought and fought and fought.
She fought for her children because that is what mothers do. And I know that I will be a mother and I will fight until I have those children and I will fight till the day I die to be their mother. So instead of laying down and giving up I'm going to go back in that nursery and I'm going to pray to God that he will give me the strength to fight and wait and become the mother I'm meant to be.
Jessie
About Me
- Clickin Mama J
- Kansas, United States
- I am a 20 something single mom to one amazing little boy. When I'm not chasing him around I'm a picture taking blogging addict.
16 comments:
Hugs...
Kerri and Ruby
(((HUGS))) and prayers for you.
I know how hard that post was for you Jessie....we love you and you have been in Jeff's and mine prayers!
You are in my prayers.
Gina
Hugs and love sent your way... You're in my prayers.
I'm so sorry to hear this. I am so sad for you. I'll be praying for you.
Thank you for sharing your adoption ups and downs. You must be so strong to go through all that!
I'm terribly sorry Jessie. You are in my thoughts and I pray that some day soon the story will end differently.
I'm sorry, Jessie. You're in my prayers.
hey...thanks for the comment on my blog. i'm glad my story gave you hope. this is heartwrenching. i am so, so sorry for your loss. hang in there. it will happen. it will. you just haven't met your baby yet.
sending love and peace.
Ok I am WAY late but I am so sorry to hear this. You are in my prayers. I know you heard all of this before, but I am telling your from true life experience when the baby that is supposed to be for your family is born it will be OH SO RIGHT! I know this to be true, because 3 years and 4 days ago it happened to me, and it was the best thing EVER!
Praying for you!
(Another Jessie in Kansas)
I am so sorry to read this. Obviously, I haven't been on your blog before so I hadn't read all this journey up to this, but I'm so sorry. Isabella came to us quickly and "fairytalish", but if you read on my blog, you'll see between the girls we went through an adoption fraud, and I can remember meeting my husband for lunch right after the mother "disappeared" and saying I know that this child just wasn't the child for us (actually now don't even know that the mother was actually pregnant, long story) but it still hurt and we sat at the restaurant and I just cried. I know its different than your situation because God had already given us Isabella, so I know the void is different, but I can at least kind of empathize with you. I'm so sorry and I'll keep you in my prayers. God's way IS perfect even if it doesn't seem like it right now. I'm excited to continue reading your blog and see how He brings your child to you.
Your blog is so beautiful! This is my first visit (linked from your comment on my blog), and I am so sorry for your multiple losses. What an amazing spirit you have! I am so glad to have found your blog, and I am praying that your baby comes home to you very soon!
I am so sorry for your loss. There are many things that I could say here but I know that none of them would really help since I have experienced this kind of loss and there are just no words but I will say that I will be praying for you and for you to become a mommy and I am so sorry.
I am sorry you had to go through this. Our 1st adoption process was so easy--in the grand scheme of things--We got in the book and three months later we had our first meeting, were chosen the same night, we met a million more times, Jakob came three months later, we continue to build our relationship with our new family!! That doesn't mean there wasn't stress, but, like I said--in the grand scheme of things--it went easy! I admire your strength and courage to share your journey and know that you are in my prayers!
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