Lots of Stuff

When I first started this journey I said that I wasn't going to buy much baby stuff ahead of time. I swore I would just get the neccessities because I didn't want a house full of baby stuff and no baby. Well then as it got closer to the time of Roman's birth I bought more and more stuff. I decorated more and before I knew it I had created a very baby friendly home.

Now I have a bunch of baby stuff and no baby. I also have a nursery no baby and no guest room. So to make the wait and the heart ache a little easier all of the baby related items are crammed into the nursery. It is very full. And the door is closed. So I have a room full of stuff crammed almost to the ceiling but no baby items in other parts of the house. So it's working I suppose. Crazy!!!!

Good Day

Today was a good day. Not a perfect day. But a good day. I woke up in my own bed! That was wonderful!!! In the last 30 days I've only spent about 24 at home. It was splendid to sleep in my own bed. And I bought groceries today and I cooked a healthy meal and ate it at my table. That's wonderful! Things are looking up.

I spoke with the adoption agency today and told them to take me off hold and on rematch status. God doesn't close a door without opening another. So I need to unlock it and be ready so he can open the next one. I'm also doing some soul searching about some other options. I'm going to meet with my doctor next week and discuss some other options and see if he thinks that artificial insemination might work for me. I don't know that I want to take that route but I want more information.

So I move forward!

Jessie

Home Sweet Home

We are finally home. I've never been so happy to walk into my house! I swear I walked in the door and my stress level dropped considerably. I just feel safe here. The drive home with no baby was a bit of torture but now that I'm here it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I feel lonely and angry and sad and frustrated but also hopeful. This is a very rough bump in the road but it's not the end of the road. Being a mom is not something I want it is something that I'm destined for. I will be a mom. This week wasn't my time but nothing will stop me. I will have a baby and this is just a painful delay.

One thing I know for certain is that God does not make mistakes. There is some reason that Roman did not come home with me. It just wasn't our time. I don't know what other baby is out there but there is one and it's waiting for me. God will send the right baby my way. While Roman is a wonderful, beautiful, splendid little boy he is not my little boy. So I will wait, my heart will heal and I will be a better mother because of this in the future.

I'm off to enjoy a good nights sleep in my own bed!

Not My Son

Miss N has now decided that the best plan for Roman is for him to be adopted by her sister. Heather and I will be returning to Kansas alone tomorrow.

My Son Roman

This is my son Roman and I! Roman Keith arrived at 11:07 this morning and weighed 11 pounds 7 ounces. He is healthy and Miss N is healthy and I'm thrilled!

Almost There

Tomorrow morning at 5:30 they will be inducing Miss N. I can hardly stand it. We are so close now. Tomorrow I will meet my son for the first time and I can't wait!!! I just can't wait to look into his eyes for the first time and say hello. I just want to welcome him to the world. It's overwhelming and I'm just so ready. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight. I'll try to post some pictures of him as soon as I can.

Please pray that all goes well for Miss N and the baby and that they are both healthy and safe.

Attorneys

I spent the majority of the day on the phone with my attorneys. Lucky me I get two attorneys for this adoption and one legal coordinator. I have an attorney to represent me in Louisiana and another one that will handle everything on the Kansas end. And the lovely legal coordinator keeps both of them on track and handles the ICPC portion of the adoption. So we had a big conference call today to go over everything and make sure that everyone knows what is going on.

I'm starting to get excited and overwhelmed as the big day gets closer. The attorneys brought up many things I hadn't thought of. Some good some not so good. So now the wheels are turning in my head. I'm just ready for this little guy to get here so we can get home and start living rather than doing all this planning. I hate that a matter of the heart has to involve so many people and papers and red tape. I just wanna love this little guy and be done with it.

Never Ending

I really think that Miss N is having the longest pregnancy in history. Okay so maybe not the longest one. Maybe the truth of the matter is that I have no patience when it comes to waiting for baby. I just want to hold him and meet him and I want to do it yesterday. :-) But you can't rush babies...

The doctor has scheduled her to be induced on July 24th. So not much longer now right... This is the downhill slide. I'm just ready and Miss N is ready. But the 24th sounds like a great birthday right. My dad's birthday is the 26th so at least they will be close dates. We can do dual parties. That will be fun.

Pictures

While we wait for baby to arrive I thought I would share some photos with you from the nursery. My Dad and Heather and I worked hard to pull it all together. I love how it turned out... I think this little guy will be very cozy there.








I just love the bedding and furniture. I got the bedding months ago shortly after my mom died. I wasn't even looking for bedding at that time. Wasn't even planning for a baby yet and I was overwhelmed by this feeling that my mom was right there. I looked over and saw the bedding and realized I had to get it because it was the perfect combination of my mom and I. I love all things green and my mom loved elephants. So that was the right pick! I think it has turned out great in there. For the time being I also have the bears made out of my mom's clothes in the crib. I will take them out when the baby comes home but it makes me feel good to have them in the room. I want as much of her around my baby as possible.

Long Drive

Heather and I have made it to Louisiana safe and sound. Of course this little guy is stubborn and has decided to chill out and wait awhile longer. The contractions have slowed down for the time being which works out okay. That gives us time to get a good nights sleep tonight and we will be a little more prepared for his arrival. Right now we are so exhausted we wouldn't have been much good at the hospital tonight anyways. We are going to eat some dinner and then call it an early night.

Baby Time

Heather and I are heading to Lousiana now and it's the middle of the night. Babies don't have a time schedule. Hopefully the next time I post I'll be a mommy!!!

Miss N is moving right along. She had another doctor's appointment today and she is dilated 3 cm. This baby is going to make his arrival soon! It's so unreal to know that within the next week or so my little guy will be in the world! Last night when I couldn't sleep I went in the nursery and sat for awhile. I was trying to imagine what it will be like to peer over the crib and see him laying there. Right now it's just an empty bed and in awhile I will look over the edge and there he will be. My baby!

I don't know what it's like to be pregnant. I'm not sure how it feels as you prepare for that kind of arrival. All I know for sure is what this is like and it's very weird. It is hard to believe some days that I'm going to have a baby. I see all of his things and I'm planning for him but since I can't feel him it's hard to believe that it is real. It's also weird to not know where he is all the time. Today I was trying to get ahold of Miss N and couldn't reach her right away. I wasn't worried really it was more of a longing. Like I want to know that she and the baby are okay, what they are doing, where they are. It's so weird. But when a person is pregnant they know where their baby is. It's just so odd. Maybe I need to try to sleep a little more. I don't know... I'm just weird I suppose....

That's my world though... Weird...