I have a confession to make, it's time to get honest. The truth is I'm a pretty average, middle class, white girl. I like to think I'm liberal and forward thinking. I strive to advocate for others in my personal and professional life. I'm constantly trying to learn more about myself and others and how we all play a part in this world. And my greatest hope is that one day my little Sylas will live in a world that is safe and kind and generous. I hope that he lives on a healthy planet and is judged by his beliefs, actions, good deeds, generous spirit, and the talents God will bestow on him. While those things are the truth it's also very true that I'm overwhelmed by the race issue. I don't think that I'm a racist person but I honestly have thought very little about my own race and now I don't know how to think about Sylas'.
I have been very fortunate since bringing Sylas home that we have recieved no negative comments about race. We have had some awkward comments. Someone asked me "how much of a negro is he?" That was really awkward and required some educating on my part about how that wasn't an appropriate way to ask about his racial background. So while we have had odd statements to contend with no negative outright racist comments. For that I'm grateful. But it's coming. I know it's coming.
So in the last 13 weeks I have spent more time thinking about race and talking about race then I have my entire 27 years prior. When you are white you don't think about your color and how it affects you. You don't wonder what people think of you, if someone will make a comment. You just live as a white person and that's just that. But there is a lot more to it now.
My first real dilema was filling out the paperwork at the doctor's office for the first time. It asks for race. You have some choices, white, black, asian, pacific islander, and other. Hmmmmmm what do I check. I don't like the idea of checking other. Sylas isn't an other. He is Sylas. And I don't like checking black. Sylas isn't only black. To just check black disregards a large portion of his birth family not to mention me. And I can't check white... he is not just white either. So what to do... I finally just checked white and black. I refuse to check other. That is ridiculous. My child will never be classified as an other! No one should be. We aren't others.
This is just the beginning. I know we have a long road ahead of us. I have a lot to learn and I have a lot to teach Sylas K. I may not know the answers but I'm going to do my best to find them. Most of all I want to teach him to be proud of his heritage and proud of that beautiful skin and the beautiful boy he is. We are going to find our way through this and until then I'm going to ask questions and read books and discuss. I've already found some great blogs that I think are helpful. My Sky- Multiracial Family Life is very good. And I also really love Anti-Racist Parent. Both have provided some good insight and direction.
So what race issues are you dealing with? What resources have you utilized??? What box do you check???
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4 comments:
Jessie, this has become one of our largest challenges as well- and our son isn't even home yet! We want everyone to understand the importance of race like we do, but I'm finding it to be difficult to convince anyone beyond my immediate family that race DOES matter. I've also found Anti-Racist Parent to be an incredible resource (the archives are full of great articles). There's a related blog called Racialicious that I often read that focuses on race in the entertainment industry.
Dan
You bring up a lot of interesting issues and I think this post is great. My personal opinion is that we have to start simply by addressing these issues and tackling some of these difficult topics. If we (as a society) are ever to get anywhere, we have to start talking about racial issues openly and honestly. My husband and I are in the process of adoption. We could possibly end up facing some of the same challenges you now face with Silas, so I have thought about all this as well. I think your attitude and drive to learn as much as possible are amazing, and I'm quite certain that's what will get you through those tough times.
In our adoptive parenting classes they talked about this some. They said one of the best ways to handle ignorant or insensitive comments from strangers is with a sense of humor. One woman gave an example of when she was in the supermarket with her two black children. Some rude woman asked why her kids were so dark. The mom looked at her kids, got a shocked look on her face, and said, "oh shoot I forgot to use sunscreen again!" As you can imagine the woman quickly got the point and shut her mouth. I think the bottom line is that you just have to do the best you can with each situation that presents itself.
Melba
This is such a great and honest post. It is an ongoing issue that we'll have to deal with as each thing comes across the table. As far as boxes are concerned, I love what you did by checking them both. So many people don't fit into those categories! Also, I refuse to add to any sort of statistics that any doctor may be keeping as far as race goes.
I love Anti-Racist Parent, and I also read a bunch of transracial adoption blogs. It's really helpful to read posts other parents have written and to carry on a sort of a conversation like we are here:) I can't believe someone said the word "negro" to you. I would've had to almost laugh. People tell us Lily could "pass for white" like we're trying to sneak her under the radar. People are ridiculous.
I just read this blog because I am doing a school project about adoption. I was adopted from Colombia in 1992 when i was not even one yet. I liked very much the quote of when you said "And my greatest hope is that one day my little Sylas will live in a world that is safe and kind and generous. I hope that he lives on a healthy planet and is judged by his beliefs,actions, and good deeds, generous spirit, and the talents God will bestow on him." When I read this it almost seemed like it was a great prophet talking! I 100% agree with this because I know that every mother wants this for her child and even though I never met my birth mom she would have wanted this for me in a heartbeat. I find adoption great and through my project I have realized a lot of new interesting things. Best wishes to your familyy =]
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