I want to post that I'm doing really well, that I love the adoption process and that I'm so hopeful this is all going to work out. That's what I really want to post. But since I'm not to good at lying I guess I have to tell the truth. I'm a mess! I'm an absolute mess right now.
I've bounced back pretty good from the first two failed adoptions. They were tough but I pushed forward and I was optimistic and I did okay. But this time I'm really struggling. I think I've reached the point where I can't take much more. I know I'm depressed. I know I'm a crying mess and I know I'm so angry about everything I can hardly focus on anything else. The bad part is I don't know what I'm going to do about it.
I keep praying that God will make this okay. That I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel. I keep praying that I'll hold a baby soon that is actually mine! And I'm trying to have faith that it will happen. But I honestly don't believe that. I'm beginning to feel like starting this whole process was a huge mistake. I just don't know what I'm going to do...
Any suggestions....
About Me
- Clickin Mama J
- Kansas, United States
- I am a 20 something single mom to one amazing little boy. When I'm not chasing him around I'm a picture taking blogging addict.
7 comments:
You should know that you are not alone out here. You will be a mommy one day...we are all rooting for you.
I've been thinking a lot about you lately and wondering how you are. I can only imagine the pain of this experience. Unfortunately I don't have any suggestions on how to cope other than to keep venting your feelings and know that we're here to support you in any way we can.
My adoption journey had some tough times, although nothing compared to what you've been through, and I was on the verge of quitting when I finally got the referral of the little girl who became my daughter. She was my 3rd referral (1st in Guatemala). I'm sure if I'd brought home either of the girls I lost, they would have been the perfect daughter for me but Ruby became my daughter and I can't imagine any child but her as my daughter.
I tend to think of what you've been through as sucky bad luck versus something you were meant to go through to find that specific child meant to be yours. I hope your luck turns and you find your child very soon.
Hugs...
Kerri and Ruby
I agree with Jocelyn- you WILL be a mom some day, hopefully someday soon. You have been through SO much. I think you have every right to feel the way you are feeling. Keep the faith!
Jessie~ although I cannot truly relate to how you are feeling. . .I can only imagine how devastating all this has been. When you are finally matched with the family that is truly meant to be yours. . . you are going to have a great understanding of the pain that a birthmother goes through. How she may struggle to face each day wondering if her decision to place was the right one. How she grieves the loss of her child. I believe that God does have a plan and that your child's birthparent will truly need you, your unconditional love, your understanding, your patience, your committment to not only her child, but to a lifelong relationship with her and her loved ones. This is only the beginning of a very long and beautiful story. For right now, just let your feelings ride and give yourself time to grieve. You can't force yourself to feel something you are not ready to feel--or ready to let go of. Just know that there is always support out there from all of us. I will be praying for strength and love for you and your family.
I am early in this process and can't imagine going through 3 failed adoptions. I am so sorry for the pain and frustration you're dealing with. I hope that soon you get your miracle!
Hi
I'm also new to the adoption process and things work differently here in South Africa...it is strange that I found your blog today...a day when I am feeling pretty much what you are feeling.
I can't imagine what it is like having 3 failed adoptions...that must hurt terribly.
Will pop back in to see how you are doing...
Thinking of you Jess
Natalie
I know it in my heart - you are meant to be a mom. I am saying prayers for you daily.
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