The Making Of A Mom

No Time

2009-02-19T19:38:00.000-08:00

Hi All-

I am just so busy with Sylas K and work and life that I don't have time to keep up two blogs. So I'm not going to post on this blog anymore. I will continue to post regularly on my other blog Picture of my World. So please come visit us at that blog!

Thanks!
Jessie

Teething

2008-08-18T12:02:00.000-07:00

Well Mr. Sylas is cutting his first tooth. I think that it must be the biggest tooth known to man due to all the chewing, drooling, and fussing going on. Actually he hasn't been too fussy but you can tell he is pretty uncomfortable. The only thing that really seems to help is giving him frozen fruit cubes in the baby feeder. That thing saves the day. If you don't have one you must run to the nearest store and get one. It looks like a big pacifier with a net on the end. You put the frozen fruit, or ice, or whatever in it and they chew the heck out of it without choking on anything. He loves it! I would recommend striping the kid naked and laying them on a tarp prior to giving them the teether. And a bath afterwards is also helpful. But it's so worth it!

I'm hoping this dang tooth with pop through soon. Every day I think that it might come through and then nothing. Go figure! I'm sure Miss Liz at daycare hopes it would come through too. All three kids are getting teeth this week and I'm sure she is working in baby hell right now. Not fun for her....

Here are some pics of Sylas K.

4 Months

2008-08-04T18:50:00.000-07:00

Sylas K is a whole 4 months old now! He is actually 4 months and 2 weeks but I'm a bit behind with his 4 month post. Shocking I know. It's amazing how little time I have for blogging now. Sometimes days go by and I don't even check my email. I used to check it several times a day. I guess my priorities have changed.

So this month Sylas grew like a wild thing! He now weighs 20 pounds and is 24 inches long. He is in the 99th percentile for weight and 98 for height. I have one big boy!

Sylas is an eating fool. Which is probably why he weighs so much. He eats all kinds of wonderful food. I am now making the majority of his baby food which has been an adventure but has worked out very well.

Sylas loves avocados, bananas, plums, prunes, carrots, peas, sweet potatoes, applesauce, kale, nectarines, squash, pumpkin, pears, and oatmeal. He really doesn't like peaches but that is about the only thing he dislikes. He has been known to eat an entire avocado or banana himself! Crazy!

Sylas can roll both ways now. He isn't so good at the back to tummy rolling yet but he is making progress.

Sylas laughs and smiles a lot now. He really laughs when you bounce him or read to him in funny voices.

Sylas loves routine! In fact if you get off schedule much he lets you know that he doesn't like that. He really needs to be in bed by 7 to sleep well. But if I put him down by 7 he sleeps all night. If I put him down after 7 he gets up at least once. So 7 it is!

Sylas likes to chew on everything! And I do mean everything! He is a drooling, chewing monster.

We weren't able to see Katie in person this month but we did send lots of pictures and talked to her a lot. She is in the process of moving into her own apartment and starting a new job so she is pretty busy. She is also auditioning for American Idol next week! So good things are happening for her which makes Sylas and I very happy.

Sylas went on a road trip to Norton with me to see my birth family. We had a wonderful time! He did great in the car even though it's a 5 1/2 hour long drive.

So here are some news pics of my little man. Hope you all are doing well too!

Sylas has tons of toys but he loves this measuring spoon. He will chew on it all day if I let him!

He has baby boy boobs!

Baby laughs a lot!

Books I Love

2008-07-29T19:31:00.001-07:00

I've always been a big reader but now that I have Sylas I'm always reading some new parenting book. I've read quite a few now and I've narrowed down some of the ones that I think are really great. So to save you all some time reading I'll just share some of my favorites and why...

Super Baby Food! This is a wonderful book. I make the majority of Sylas' baby food and this is the book that guides me! My cousin's lovely wife shared this book with me and it has saved me many a time! The book really shows you how easy and cost effective it is to make your own baby food. I've learned so much about nutrition from this book. It also contains a lot of great money saving and mind saving parenting tips throughout it.

Black Baby White Hands- A View From The Crib! This is a great book about trans racial adoption. The book is written by Jaiya John who was the first black child in the state of Arizona to be adopted by a white family. His perspective and insight is amazing. I would highly recommend it to anyone involved with adoption but especially for parents that have adopted transracially.

Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child! I have been very fortunate in that Sylas is really a great sleeper all on his own. I stick to a sleep schedule and try to assist with consistency but he is really just a good sleeping kid. But we all know that isn't true for every kid. This book is really a huge asset for any parent. But if you are tired and worn out and sleeping isn't happening at your house this is a must have! It's written in a really easy to read way and totally makes sense to me. So get to reading and get to sleeping.

Baby Laughs- Naked Truth about Mommyhood! This book has saved me on more than one occasion. Whenever I need a good laugh and need to chill out about mommyhood this is the book that saves me! I have laughed more reading this book than any other. She just cracks me up!

It's A Boy! I really love this book. I so love being a mom to a boy. Boys rock. I'm sure mom's of little girls feel the same way about their little girls but I just love my baby boy. This book is a collection various writers and their feelings and stories about raising boys. There is some laughing, some crying, and a whole lot of insight. Love it!

So those are my must have parenting books. I have enjoyed them all and learned a little bit from each of them. Do you have any books that you love? I'm always up for a new read. Let me know what books you couldn't live without.

Smiling Sylas

2008-07-19T22:06:00.000-07:00

I have one happy little boy at my house. Sylas is really turning into a fun little man. He has a great disposition. I joke that as long as he is fed and watered all is well. He really only cries when he is hungry or tired. Such a joy! I really lucked out in the easy baby department. He may be going easy on me now so I can be rested before toddler hood comes... I have a feeling once he is moving he may be trouble. He is already so busy I can't imagine what crawling and walking will bring.

So since I love his smiles so much I just have to share a few with you. He really loves to eat carrots and in a couple of the pics you can see the remains of his carrot dinner. Gotta love a baby food grin!

3 Months

2008-06-24T06:55:00.000-07:00

Wow Sylas K is three months old. It's funny when I was waiting for Sylas three months seemed like an eternity. Now it just flies by. So the highlights of month three would be....

Sylas really started smiling and laughing this month. I love the sound of his laugh and his smile melts my heart. I still have a hard time trying to get a picture of his smile but I have a couple blurry ones that I'll post today. One day I'm gonna get a great smile shot!

Sylas sleeps through the night the majority of the time. We usually have one night a week that he wakes up but other than that he does great.

Sylas now eats food! We were able to start cereal with the doctor's approval. He didn't like that much but when I added in carrots that baby went crazy. I've never seen a kid so excited over carrots before.

Sylas started daycare with Ms Liz. He is doing great there. He is always happy when I pick him up and he gives her and the other kids lots of smiles. I hate leaving him but I love that he has a good place to go.

Sylas and I visited Katie once this month. We also talk on the phone frequently and I am always sending lots of pictures.

The adoption was finalized this month!

So that is month three. Here are some fun pics of my baby boy!

Let's Talk About Race

2008-06-20T16:54:00.001-07:00

I have a confession to make, it's time to get honest. The truth is I'm a pretty average, middle class, white girl. I like to think I'm liberal and forward thinking. I strive to advocate for others in my personal and professional life. I'm constantly trying to learn more about myself and others and how we all play a part in this world. And my greatest hope is that one day my little Sylas will live in a world that is safe and kind and generous. I hope that he lives on a healthy planet and is judged by his beliefs, actions, good deeds, generous spirit, and the talents God will bestow on him. While those things are the truth it's also very true that I'm overwhelmed by the race issue. I don't think that I'm a racist person but I honestly have thought very little about my own race and now I don't know how to think about Sylas'.

I have been very fortunate since bringing Sylas home that we have recieved no negative comments about race. We have had some awkward comments. Someone asked me "how much of a negro is he?" That was really awkward and required some educating on my part about how that wasn't an appropriate way to ask about his racial background. So while we have had odd statements to contend with no negative outright racist comments. For that I'm grateful. But it's coming. I know it's coming.

So in the last 13 weeks I have spent more time thinking about race and talking about race then I have my entire 27 years prior. When you are white you don't think about your color and how it affects you. You don't wonder what people think of you, if someone will make a comment. You just live as a white person and that's just that. But there is a lot more to it now.

My first real dilema was filling out the paperwork at the doctor's office for the first time. It asks for race. You have some choices, white, black, asian, pacific islander, and other. Hmmmmmm what do I check. I don't like the idea of checking other. Sylas isn't an other. He is Sylas. And I don't like checking black. Sylas isn't only black. To just check black disregards a large portion of his birth family not to mention me. And I can't check white... he is not just white either. So what to do... I finally just checked white and black. I refuse to check other. That is ridiculous. My child will never be classified as an other! No one should be. We aren't others.

This is just the beginning. I know we have a long road ahead of us. I have a lot to learn and I have a lot to teach Sylas K. I may not know the answers but I'm going to do my best to find them. Most of all I want to teach him to be proud of his heritage and proud of that beautiful skin and the beautiful boy he is. We are going to find our way through this and until then I'm going to ask questions and read books and discuss. I've already found some great blogs that I think are helpful. My Sky- Multiracial Family Life is very good. And I also really love Anti-Racist Parent. Both have provided some good insight and direction.

So what race issues are you dealing with? What resources have you utilized??? What box do you check???

Silly Schedules

2008-06-19T20:46:00.000-07:00

I officially went back to work this week. Sylas K is being watched each day by a teacher that I had in middle school. She retired and is now just watching three little ones including Sylas. So he has some other little buddies but he also still get plenty of one on one attention. So I'm pleased with that.

I am not however pleased with trying to balance it all. Lots of people ask me how I do the whole working full time and being a single mom. The truth is that the whole working mom thing is hard. The whole working single mom thing is harder. But it's getting easier each day. I've figured out that sticking to a schedule and having routines is the key to success and calmness. And I've found that the calmer it is the happier I am and the happier Sylas is. So silly strict schedules is what we have. This is our routine each day...

Morning Routine

I get up at 5:30
Start a load of laundry
Shower
Get dressed
Hair and Makeup
Make Bed
Wake up Sylas and feed him
Get him dressed
Let him play and listen to music while I empty the dishwasher and switch out the laundry.
Then I play with him for about 30 minutes and we roll out
He is at daycare at 7:30 and I'm at work at 7:45

After Work Routine
Pick Sylas up at 5
Feed him
Switch out laundry
Dinner for me
Go on a walk or play time with Sylas
4 B's for Sylas- Bath, Book, Bottle, Bed. He is in bed between 7:30-8:00

After Sylas is in bed routine
Check email
30 minutes of cleaning something... anything... everything...
Put away laundry from the day
Work out if we didn't go on a walk
Pick up toys
Blog

Before Bed Routine
Start dishwasher
Lay out our clothes for tomorrow
Reload the diaper bag
Do a quick run thru of the house and put things back in their place
CRASH!

Honestly I don't get much time with Sylas in the evenings. He usually takes a 30 minute nap right after we get home so it's really only about 2 hours of awake time together. But I will only be working until 1:00 on Fridays so I'm hoping that the nice long weekends will give us some good quality time.

Tonight I tried out the Exersaucer toy and he loved it! Well he was tired so he wouldn't smile but he didn't cry so I think that means it's all good. Usually he will cry the whole time I'm making my dinner which makes me feel horrible. But I put him in the exersaucer in the kitchen and he could see me the whole time and he was just calm as could be. So maybe I will be able to cook now without feeling like a mean mommy....

Father's Day

2008-06-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

Happy Father's Day to all those dad's out there. Yes I called my Dad and wished him a happy day. I hope you called yours too. Since Sylas doesn't have a dad I wasn't sure what I would do with him for Father's Day. I think it's important to start making traditions now. So I thought about it quite a bit and this is what I decided.

Sylas may not have a dad but he has some really great guys in his life that love him very much. While that aren't his dad they are the closest thing he has to one. So today and each Father's Day is going to be about celebrating those men in his life. In fact I'm really moved by those men because they have just stepped up and done fatherly type things for Sylas even though they don't have too. To me that makes them all the more precious to us.

So today we spent the day with my brother Shawn. Shawn is the regular bearer of testosterone in our house. He is the toy putter together guy, the guy I call when I need a break, the one that can't wait to teach Sylas how to pee standing up, and one of the best uncles in the world. He just loves Sylas and loves me. He is super supportive and is always there for us. His wife and daughter are out of town so he spent the entire day with us. He and Sylas took a long nap together after we made him lunch and gave him his father's day present. It was a good day and I hope in the future we can celebrate his special place in our lives.

I can't let the day pass without thanking our other special men. Chris is Sylas' god father and he is just a super guy. He puts up with a lot from me. I tend to tease him and steal his lovely wife Darby away from him on occasion. He is one of the most reliable and loving men I know and Sylas is blessed to have such a great role model in his life.

Monte is my step dad. He and I have a long history together and it's been quite a bumpy road at times. We haven't always seen eye to eye and we don't always agree with one another's decisions. But hands down Monte is so incredibly supportive of me as a mom and so loving to Sylas. He calls almost every day to check on his "chunk chunk" as he calls him. And whenever he is in town he stops by to hold and play with Sylas. He also takes my car for oil changes, changes light bulbs, waters my plants, and puts together toys. So thanks for being our helper, our support, and one cool Pop!

So thanks guys for stepping up and being such a big part of Sylas' life. I know he will grow to be a better man because of your influence. We love you all!!!

Two Months

2008-06-10T19:43:00.000-07:00

Sylas is almost three months old now. But since I was without my computer for so long I didn't get to do the two month update. So better late than never. Here are the highlights of month two.

Sylas got his first set of vaccinations! YUCK! That did not go well. The shots were a piece of cake but the side effects were just plain horrible.

Sylas is still one big eater! He eats 8 ounces of formula every 3-4 hours. We are counting down the days until we can start cereal.

Sylas can now sit with support. As long as you have a hand on his back he can stay sitting up.

Sylas loves the dog and small children! They get lots of smiles from him.

Sylas was baptized during month two! This was a really big deal to me and my family. I have pictures of that that I will post at the end of this post.

We were supposed to have a face to face visit with Katie this month but her car broke down so she wasn't able to make it. We did send her lots of pictures though and we continue to talk on the phone often.

Sylas loves music time. I turn the stereo on and he and I jam out several times a day.

Sylas is now sleeping in his own crib all the time.

So those are some highlights from month two with Sylas. Here are some pictures of my little man.

Missing In Action

2008-06-09T20:11:00.000-07:00

Mercy it has been way to long since I've posted! My computer got very sick with some horrible virus and adware and other nonsense. So after a very long 27 days without a computer and internet access I am back! Oh how I have missed my blogging friends!

Sylas K is just growing like a little weed. Well actually he is growing like a beautiful little flower! He is now 16 pounds of chunky smiling love! I get numerous smiles a day now but I have not been able to capture one on camera yet. Every time I pull it out I only get serious Sylas and not smiling Sylas. Hopefully one day soon!

Due to my lack of computer access I did not get the June edition of the Adoption Journey Blog Carnival posted. I however will just combine the June entries with the July carnival and post everything on July 1st. So go ahead and submit your posts!

I have lots of pics to edit and then I will get some posted for you all. I will also hopefully be getting caught up on your blogs too. I've missed you all!

Jessie

Small World

2008-05-14T19:21:00.000-07:00

It's a small world after all! Okay no this post isn't about the song but since I seem to sing everything to Sylas K I just can't stop myself! I got a phone call from Katie, Sylas' first mom today. We usually talk about once a week so it wasn't a shocker when she called. But she shocked me with what she had to tell me.

It seems she went to visit her cousin last weekend and when she got to her house she noticed Sylas' birth announcement on her cousins fridge. At first she thought maybe I had sent them to all her family members but remembered that I hadn't met this cousin in particular so she asked her about it. That's when her cousin Sara explained to her that she had been friends with me since we were 12 years old! YES Shocking I know!

Sara had called and told my sister Heather a couple weeks ago that she had figured out that I had adopted her cousins baby but that she wanted to tell Katie herself and she wondered if Heather thought it would upset me. Of course Heather told her I would be thrilled to know. So Sara was going to tell Katie over the weekend and then tell me.

What's really crazy about this whole thing is that there have been several events, five that I can think of, that Katie and I have been at over the years involving Sara. Weddings, Graduations, Birthday Parties, etc. And now looking back I remember Katie but hadn't made the connection prior to Katie calling me. How crazy is that. It just reminds me that God had a hand in this whole thing. Sylas was meant to be my little boy and we were meant to be connected to his birth family. How amazingly wonderful. I couldn't have imagined how perfectly this all would have fallen together. God does some good work when I just stay out of it...

My First Mom's Day

2008-05-12T19:14:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that I finally celebrated my first mom's day! How exciting. I love all the new experiences that Sylas brings to my life. I think that all the firsts are one of the best parts of being a parent. Exciting stuff. We had a good day! Mr. Sylas was adorable and loveable and wonderful as usual. He really is a good little guy! I just love that kid.

Since I don't have a husband and Sylas doesn't shop yet my sister Heather has taken over the gift buying responsiblities for holidays. So Sylas got me an awesome necklace for mother's day by way of his wonderful Aunt Heather! It's a really cool silver pendant that has his name on it, his birthdate and the date he came home to me. I really love it. Heather did a wonderful job, it's very simple yet very significant to me. Good work sis!

Rolling

2008-05-01T14:48:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it but Mr. Sylas is rolling over. There is even video to prove it. He seems way to young to be doing that but I guess not...

Adoption Journey Blog Carnival- May Edition

2008-05-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the May Edition of the Adoption Journey Blog Carnival. I hope that all of you are doing well. Thanks so much to everyone that entered submissions for this edition of the carnival! Please take the time to visit each others blogs and let folks know that you are visiting via the carnival! Happy May Day and Happy Adoption Journey to you all!!!

Suzanne presents sleepwalking posted at :: adventures in daily living ::.

Melodie presents International Adoptions Decline posted at The Colorado Monbergs.

Stacie presents I'm Mom posted at Kevin & Stacie: Our Ethiopian Adoption Journey.

Joanne presents Talking To Your Child About Adoption posted at Adoption Support at Forever Parents.

Kelli presents Almost 2 months posted at Loving Mom seeks Vietnamese Prince.

Dawn presents Adopted: Family History Unknown posted at Finding Your Child & Creating a Family.

Kelli presents Tears.... posted at Loving Mom seeks Vietnamese Prince.

Aimee presents Becoming Brynly posted at Off We Go....

Erika presents Beware of kenygodlove@yahoo.com, adoption scammer in Cameroon posted at Plain Jane Mom Blog.

I present Full Circle posted at my other blog Picture Of My World.

That concludes this edition of the Adoption Journey Blog Carnival. If you would like to submit a post for the next edition please do so by clicking here. Thanks for taking the time to visit!

Last call

2008-04-29T21:11:00.000-07:00

It's the last call for the adoption journey blog carnival. If you would like to submit a post please do so by clicking here. The carnival will be posted on May 1st.

Mr. Sylas and I are doing great. He is getting more fun each day. He is more alert and is starting to interact a bit more. That is very nice! Katie is coming to visit us on Saturday. Some of my family is coming over and we are going to have a BBQ and hang out together. I'm looking forward to seeing her!

One Month

2008-04-21T20:31:00.000-07:00

Sylas K is one month old! Boy time is just flying by. Here is what I know about Sylas K this month.

Sylas still likes to sleep during the day and party at night.

Sylas eats a lot. Usually 4-6 ounces every 3-4 hours.

Sylas is in the 99th percentile for height and isn't on the charts for weight.

Sylas weighs 11 pounds and 8 ounces.

Sylas has got to visit Katie once this month, we have sent to packs of pictures, and talked to her on the phone a lot.

Sylas now recognizes my voice and will follow me with his eyes.

Sylas thinks peeing on people is really cool.

So that's the fun of Sylas in month one!

Good times!

Fun Sites

2008-04-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

Since I don't seem to remember the words to very many kids songs or rhymes I decided to do a search for some online. I hit the jackpot! I found two really great sites for the lyric impared parents out there. So if you are in need of some new music and games to play with your kids I would recommend visiting kiddidles and kidsfront. Both sites had some good stuff!

What cracked me up as I was looking through the sites was that I really do know more than I thought. I just didn't remember until I saw them. My mom was always singing and rhyming to Heather and I and so many of those things she sang to us were on there. It brought back some really great memories. It's nice when a blast from the past is actually a good thing!

How Can That Be

2008-04-16T20:51:00.000-07:00

How is it possible that this cute little baby can cause such an uproar. How can this little bit of adorable baby cry for 6 hours straight. How can this sweet sweet boy have two blow outs in that many hours, pee on the carpet and me and the curtains. How can my lovely little doll of a baby spit up down my shirt coating my boobs in stinky formula. How can this be? And why does no one tell you that some days last more than 24 hours and that asking for help can feel so hard?

But I did admit defeat and sent this adorable little boy to visit his aunt Amanda and uncle Shawn today so Mommy could take a nap. I felt guilty for a little bit but after taking a shower that lasted longer than 3 minutes and taking a nap that lasted longer than 2 hours I quit feeling guilty. I should have done the same thing last week!

Pictures, Pictures, Pictures

2008-04-14T19:27:00.001-07:00

Okay Sylas and I went and got professional pictures done! It was a really fun experience. In fact today I got the link for the pictures and saw them all. I knew we had some cute ones but seriously. My kid is cute! You can see for yourself by clicking here! Let me know if you have a favorite. I'm having a hard time picking which ones I like the best.

It was so weird when I got the link from Seresa to view the pics for the first time. I got really emotional looking at them. I have waited and waited for this little guy and now here he is. Here we are. In real pictures. Pictures mean a lot to me. They always have and for some reason now his pictures really do. It just makes it more real. When I see the ones of us my heart just swells. This is my son, my baby, my heart living in the outside world. CRAZY!!!

Also as soon as I saw how cute they were my first thought was I have to call my mom. That used to happen to me quite a bit now that Sylas is here it happens several times a day. So often I want to call her and tell her all about him. I wish I could. Lord I miss her! But I know that she knows him. I know that she protects him and loves him. In fact I really do believe that she helped God get him to me. She told me before she died that she would send a pretty baby my way. She did her job. He is a beautiful boy. And I'm going to do everything I can to let him know about his beautiful Grandma Dee.

So that's a picture of us and a picture of me in my emotional new mommy missing her mommy state.

Blog Carnival and Other Stuff

2008-04-12T19:47:00.000-07:00

Just a reminder that the Adoption Journey Blog Carnival is coming up soon. The carnival will be posted on the 1st of May. So if you would like to participate this month please submit your post here.

Sylas is doing great! We had a baby shower on Friday hosted by the folks at my office. We ended up with some really wonderful things. Some things we really needed, some things that are really fun, and lots of cute, cute, cute clothes. This boy will be well dressed!

Tomorrow we are going to have professional pictures done. I usually take my friends baby pictures, maternity pictures, etc. But it's pretty hard to do a family portrait of yourself. And I really want some nice photos of him as a newborn. So it should be fun. I can't wait to see how he does.

I am having a hard time keeping both blogs updated regularly. So if I ever go awhile without posting here feel free to visit my other blog Picture of my world.

Here are some new pics...

Cool Find

2008-04-10T17:04:00.000-07:00

I have always taken lots of pictures. In fact before Sylas came along I usually took about a hundred pictures a week. Now with Sylas here I would say that has more than doubled. I take tons of pictures! I used to scrapbook but I just don't have time for that anymore. I ran out of time before a baby and now I really don't have time. But I found a really cool solution that I just have to share with you.

It's called How Fast They Grow. This concept is amazing. It's a wonderful digital scrapbooking site. You can easily create really beautiful scrapbook pages online and then you purchase them. They send them to you and you slide them into the book. Wonderful looking and really fast!!! How cool is that. So if you have time check it out. I promise you will love it.

Jessie

Big Weekend

2008-04-06T16:34:00.000-07:00

We had a big and busy weekend. Sylas and I went to visit his first family on Saturday. They live about two hours from us. We went and Katie's aunts cooked a large meal for us and then they hosted a little baby shower. It was such a wonderful time! They really made Sylas and I feel welcomed and loved. I never would have dreamed that we would have such a comfortable relationship but we do. I feel like we have another kind of extended family. It really is a blessing. Sylas could never have too many people to love him and I could never have too many people offerring support and friendship. We really are blessed!

Katie, his first mom is doing well. She is still struggling emotionally which is too be expected. But she is reaching out to her social worker, family and friends. She also feels comfortable talking to me about her feelings which I really appreciate. While Katie may be struggling some emotionally she is doing great physically. She looked so beautiful on Saturday! She has already lost 45 pounds and says she is feeling good. I'm so thankful for that.

So here are some fun pics of the weekend.

Sylas and his beautiful Katie!

Sylas with his biological sister Amara. I think they look a lot alike.

And my very adored boy! I just love him!!!

April Adoption Journey Blog Carnival

2008-04-04T06:51:00.000-07:00

This month the adoption journey blog carnival is a little late. Okay lets get real it is four days late! Sorry about that. I am just going to blame it on mommy brain. I forget to do lots of things now. Without further ado here are the participants for this month. Please visit one another and consider participating in next months carnival!

Joanne presents Transracial Adoption posted at Adoption Support at Forever Parents.

Maureen presents An Exploration of My Adoption posted at Korean

:: Suzanne :: presents 18 months in posted at :: Adventures in Daily Living ::. Diary.

Dawn Davenport presents Tales from a Blended Family: Jalapeños and Duct Tape posted at Finding Your Child & Creating a Family.

Shrijnana presents A year ago today - the first meeting posted at Conscious Mom.

Melanie Love presents Thank you, Uncle S.... posted at Our Journey to Parenthood.

That concludes this edition of the adoption journey blog carnival. Please submit your blog posts for the next carnival by clicking here. Thanks for participating and visiting the adoption journey blog carnival.

Busy Times

2008-04-04T06:47:00.000-07:00

Sylas sure keeps me busy and happy! He is such a good little boy. He loves it when I sing which is so crazy because I have a horrible voice! And what is really weird is that I know very few children's songs. So I sing Jesus Loves Me a lot. And then I change the words up to do Mommy Loves Me, Grandma Loves Me, and Aunt Heather Loves Me. Then because I can't sing that all day I sing the only other songs I know all the words too. Those would include the Star Spangled Banner, God Bless America, and Amazing Grace. I can also sing the Alphabet. So if all else fails Sylas will know he is loved, he will be patriotic, and he will know his ABC's. At this point that's as good as it gets.

The Future's So Bright

2008-03-30T21:12:00.000-07:00

I've got to wear shades!!!

Poor Baby Sylas! He gets played with and dressed up so much. He actually slept through the shades experiment. He is such a good boy! I just love him.

We have had a houseful of visitors. Sylas has a big fan club. We are settling in though and getting used to one another. He still sleeps a lot and I rarely see those beautiful eyes. He tends to be more alert after he eats so we do get some awake time then. But I hate to mess it up by taking a picture. So I'm gonna keep the eyes in hiding a bit longer. But soon I will start taking pictures of it.

Sweet Sweet Baby

2008-03-27T20:10:00.000-07:00

While I have been waiting for a match I have set all the adoption agency numbers in my phone to a Michelle Featherstone song called Sweet Sweet Baby. That way I wasn't nervous ever time the phone rang. Just when that song played. Now that Sylas is home it is his song. Luckily I now have a picture of the little guy to go with the song. So here is my sweet sweet baby boy!!!!

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Baby Update

2008-03-26T19:12:00.000-07:00

Okay Emily you can quit stalking the blog. Here is an update! When you get done at your conference you have to stop by and get some love from Sylas!

Sylas is doing amazing. He is a super baby. He sleeps a lot. This is a good thing I'm told. However, all the sleeping has prevented me from getting a picture of his little eyes. Though I have hundreds of sleeping Sylas and eating Sylas. I just adore him!!!!

I too am doing great. Motherhood is the most amazing thing in the world. I can't believe I ever survived without him. There are times when he makes me laugh so hard my belly hurts and other times that he makes me cry just by laying there. He is the best band-aid ever! I can't believe how good my heart feels. I just pray that someday he remembers how much I love him when I have to start telling him no.

I am going to get a slideshow put together of pictures of him soon I promise. I've just been really busy and I have a paper that I have to write for class soon. It was actually due today so I emailed the prof and asked for an extenstion and he gave me until tomorrow at noon. Long extenstion huh... But I should be grateful and just get it done. For now you get a picture of Sylas.

100 Posts and 1 Big Miracle

2008-03-24T21:30:00.000-07:00

Oh what a difference a few days makes. My last post showed the absolute low in my adoption journey. Now one post later and what marks my 100th post this journey has reached the top of the mountain!!!! With great joy and much gratitude I announce the arrival of my miracle boy. Sylas Keith Lewis Wagoner arrived on March 21st 2007. He weighed 7 pounds and 14 ounces and was 20 inches long. I welcomed into my heart and home forever on March 24th 2008!!!!

I recieved the call on Easter Sunday and met Katie my hero and Sylas' first mommy shortly after the call. And in less than 24 hours Sylas and I were heading home. We are a family. We are a team. And my heart is mended!!!! Praise God for Katie and Praise God for Sylas.

I will post more later but I have a little man to feed and love on. Enjoy the first of many pictures to come!!!!

Ugh

2008-03-14T19:15:00.000-07:00

I want to post that I'm doing really well, that I love the adoption process and that I'm so hopeful this is all going to work out. That's what I really want to post. But since I'm not to good at lying I guess I have to tell the truth. I'm a mess! I'm an absolute mess right now.

I've bounced back pretty good from the first two failed adoptions. They were tough but I pushed forward and I was optimistic and I did okay. But this time I'm really struggling. I think I've reached the point where I can't take much more. I know I'm depressed. I know I'm a crying mess and I know I'm so angry about everything I can hardly focus on anything else. The bad part is I don't know what I'm going to do about it.

I keep praying that God will make this okay. That I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel. I keep praying that I'll hold a baby soon that is actually mine! And I'm trying to have faith that it will happen. But I honestly don't believe that. I'm beginning to feel like starting this whole process was a huge mistake. I just don't know what I'm going to do...

Any suggestions....

Bumps In The Road

2008-03-04T20:46:00.000-08:00

I posted on my other blog the other day about Miss S having the baby on Thursday. She had a healthy baby girl. She went back and forth for a couple of days but ultimately decided on Saturday to parent the baby. So no little one for me. :-(

So with three failed adoptions I'm left wondering where this journey is headed. I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from all of this. I really don't understand why it keeps happening. And unfortunately I'm pretty hurt and angry and very frustrated with the process.

As a consolation prize the adoption agency did send me 2 dozen roses and a very nice card. They also call often to offer support. I think they are floored by this whole ordeal. According to them they have never known of someone to have 3 failed adoptions in a row. Lucky me I get to set the bar for rejects! Wahooooo!!!!

So that is the story of the day. It's not much fun around these parts...

Adoption Journey Blog Carnival

2008-03-01T18:46:00.000-08:00

Here is the most recent edition of the Adoption Journey Blog Carnival. We have some great posts! Welcome to all the new participants. It's nice to find some new blogs!!! Enjoy!

Beth presents Parental Units posted at Living a Quotable Life.

Suzanne presents your own real kids (snarky) posted at :: adventures in daily living ::.

pnreddy presents Want To Know The Process Of Infant Adoption? posted at The Parents Zone.

Kathy presents Life Changes posted at John Carlos - Guatemalan Prince.

Suzanne presents staking our tomato posted at :: Adventures in Daily Living ::.

Joanne presents
Adoption Life Books posted at
Forever Parents.

Dawn presents We Got Lucky posted at Finding Your Child & Creating a Family.

Kerri presents Kerri's journey to mommyhood: Inspired Again posted at Kerri's journey to mommyhood.

Kelli presents Pho Real? posted at Loving Mom seeks Vietnamese Prince or Princess.

Maureen presents A Tale of an Alien: Growing Up Without a Culture posted at Korean Diary.

I present Not Again at my other blog Hunna's Happenings.

Joanne presents Join Our Adoption Forums! posted at Forever Parents.

That concludes the March edition of the Adoption Journey Blog Carnival. I hope you take the time to visit and comment on the other participants blogs. Good luck on your journey of adoption! If you would like to enter a post for the next carnival that will be on April 1st please do so by clicking here.

Blog Carnival Reminder

2008-02-22T19:36:00.000-08:00

Just a reminder that the next Adoption Journey Blog Carnival is coming up. It will be posted on March 1, 2008. I would love to include your posts and blogs if you would like. To make it very easy to submit a post all you have to do is click
here. You just fill out the form and you are entered in the carnival. I already have quite a few new participants so make sure to join in on the fun!

Doing Better

2008-02-17T06:37:00.001-08:00

Well Miss S is doing much better! Her blood pressure has gone back to a normal range so the medicine and bedrest is working. She is a great sport and is just hanging in there. I'm sure the bedrest is no fun. Since she is doing better the doctor would like to have her carry closer to her due date which is March 11th.

So at this point she is scheduled for a c-section on March 5th. If she has anymore complications it could be earlier but for the time being that is the set birthday. I'm thinking March 5th sounds like a good day to be born... I'm still not planning on going to the hospital until the paperwork is signed. But I'm also still praying for God to guide me through this and sometimes his plans are different then mine. So we will just see what happens.

Congrats!!!

2008-02-13T16:31:00.000-08:00

I have to send a huge congrats out to Bethany and Jeff! Bethany and Jeff just received news that they are ready to travel to Ethiopia to pick up their little boy Leul. I'm so excited for them! Bethany and Jeff have been big supporters of me and we have followed one another's adoption journeys for quite some time now. I know that Bethany will always leave me a comment to cheer me up when I'm down and will celebrate with me when I'm happy. So I want to make sure that we all celebrate with them as they prepare to bring their boy home!!! I can't wait to see a picture of them holding their little guy. So congrats and get to packing friends!

Not According To Plan

2008-02-07T19:19:00.000-08:00

Today did not go quite according to plan. I was supposed to meet Miss S for lunch today and to just visit. She had wanted to meet with me alone without all of her family present. She was also supposed to have a sonogram today. But I wasn't going to the sonogram. Because I'm being smart this time, I'm protecting my heart this time, I'm not seeing a baby until she is mine this time. That was the plan right!

Well I got to lunch and Miss S wasn't feeling well. And she continued to feel worse and worse until it was obvious that she wasn't okay and she needed to go to the hospital. So I took her and of course I couldn't get ahold of her family. So we got to the hospital and they checked her blood pressure and it was really high, 170/120. That's not good. And they couldn't get it down. So they decided they needed to do a sonogram to see how big the baby was in case they needed to deliver.

She was scared and didn't want to be alone and I didn't want to leave her. So the next thing I know I'm staring at this precious little girl on a tv screen that is moving and kicking like crazy. I could see her little nose and mouth. I could see her sucking her thumb and moving her feet. I could see little tufts of hair on her head and I could see that heart beating so strong and fast. And I felt my heart grow. This wasn't the plan!

So after many tests and much debate the doctor decided to admit Miss S. The baby is only 4 1/2 pounds so they would like her to be able to carry her awhile longer. But they are going to observe her tonight and make a decision tomorrow or Saturday. The most important thing is trying to get the blood pressure down. So Miss S will stay at the hospital until they feel like it's safe for her to go home or until after the baby is born.

So the day didn't go according to my plans. But they went according to God's plan. The turn of events gave Miss S and I some bonding time. We were able to hang out and play cards and play 20 questions and goof around together. We were able to talk about what adoption means to us and what we want the future to look like. And we were able to build a little trust in one another. I think she realized that I'm not going to freak out when it gets tough, I'm going to support her, and I'm going to root for her and this baby girl. And I realized how dedicated she is to this little girl and her well being. I realized how thoughtful and tough and spirited she is. And I realized that if I just go with the flow God will take care of the rest.

I don't know how the rest of this will play out but I can tell you one thing.... I'm not making anymore plans!

Update

2008-02-06T15:00:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Orange Girl for posting on my previous post with some advice about the horrible blog I found. Orange Girl stated that this issue had been discussed on a yahoo group and the best way to handle it is to report it to the center for missing and exploited children. There is a form that I filled out on that site and you can fill out too. To get to the form simply click here. Maybe if enough of us complain they can force the people that created this site to take it down. I really do think that this site is a horrible joke. I say that because after reading the profiles and the information page it seems really fake. However, if by some off chance this is real it's our job to try and step in. Hopefully the site will disappear soon!

Shame On Them!

2008-02-05T15:02:00.001-08:00

I stumbled upon this site today and I am horrified! I think this site is someone's idea of sick humor but it's really not funny. I am known for having a really sick sense of humor and even I wasn't the slightest bit impressed. Adoption is such a personal and difficult journey for many people. And organ donation and the need for a transplant is also a difficult and personal journey. To combine the two in such a way is insensitive and ridiculous. I don't know who is behind this site and why they would think it was funny but shame on them!

Is The Third Time A Charm?

2008-02-04T21:50:00.000-08:00

For the blog carnival I included a post at my other blog about being rematched with another expectant family. The expectant mom, Miss S, is due on March 11th with a baby girl. The other two failed matches I've had have been boys. So I'm wondering now if I'm suppose to have a little girl and if maybe just maybe the third match will really be the final match.

I'm nervous and hestitant to get excited. I'm going very slow with this match. I won't be participating in the doctor's appointments or sonogram this time around. And I won't be at the hospital for the birth. I've decided that I will wait until the relinquishment paperwork is signed before I go to the hospital. Miss S seems to understand that and is fine with my decision in regards to that.

I still want an open adoption after the fact. I just don't want to get attached again and have another failure. I know if this situation falls through I will still be disappointed but at least I won't have a little face stuck in my head like all the others. I don't know if that makes any sense but I just can't do the hospital thing again. It's too hard and emotionally draining.

So I wait... I'm getting used to that part!

Tagged

2008-02-01T21:00:00.000-08:00

Well my blogging buddy Bethany tagged me for a meme. So here goes nothing!

8 Things I'm Passionate About

1. Children and Adoption- Both take over my personal and professional life.

2. God

3. My Family

4. Photography

5. Travel

6. Blogging

7. Good Books

8. Gardening

8 Things I Want To Do Before I Die

1. Be A Mother

2. Visit All 50 States

3. Get a few more tattoos

4. Go to Ireland

5. Write a book

6. Learn to Ball Room Dance

7. Meet my best blogging buddies, Bethany, Stacie and Julie.

8. Learn to play the piano

8 Things I Often Say

1. Are You Freaking Kidding Me

2. Lena NO!!! (My dog)

3. Hey Sister (That's how I answer her calls every day)

4. Did you log that ( I say that to my employees several times a day)

5. But your real real pretty (What I say to my staff after I tell them the bad news)

6. That's not appropriate (client speak... :-))

7. I love you ( I have to tell one of my family members that every day)

8. Seriously

8 TV Shows I've Recently Watched

1. Lost, Lost, and more Lost

2. Grey's Anatomy

3. Journeyman

4. Oprah

5. Dr. Phil

6. Days of Our Lives

7. Nip/Tuck

8. Biggest Loser

8 Songs I Never Tire of Listening Too

1. African Queen

2. Sweet Sweet Baby

3. I wanna be close

4. Baby Got Back

5. Cheeseburger in Paradise

6. My Wish- Reminds me of my mom

7. Let's Get It On

8. I Need An Angel

8 things I Learned in 2007

1. Adoption is a long hard journey

2. Grief doesn't get easier with time

3. I still really miss my mom

4. Working is overrated!

5. My niece is super cool

6. Lost is a rocking show

7. For some reason Lena makes the worst day bearable

8. I am glad 2007 is over!

And I'm going to tag anyone that wants to do this meme. If you do it leave a comment and I'll link to you.

Adoption Journey Blog Carnival Edition 3

2008-02-01T00:30:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the 3rd Adoption Journey Blog Carnival. Adoption can be such a long and often bumpy journey. Part of what keeps us going is the strength we gather from others we meet on the same road. What I love about this carnival is that it is a great way to unite others that understand. Others that know about adoption, others that cry when we cry and others that share our joy when our children come home to us. This edition is filled with bloggers that are in different stages of the adoption journey but understand just the same. I appreciate you all participating. For those that are just visiting I hope you take the time to visit the participants and leave them comments of encouragement and let them know you found them through the carnival. So let's get started!

Kerri presents The blogland family we create posted at Kerri's journey to mommyhood.

Dawn presents Remembering Last Winter posted at "At Thy Word".

Overwhelmed With Joy! presents It Wasn't Supposed To Work This Way posted at Overwhelmed With Joy!. This is the first post in a ten post series.

Jodi presents 1/23/2008 posted at SIMPLE PERFECT LIFE.

Julie presents Fav Foto Friday posted at Julie's Wish Came True - I'm a Mommy!.

Stacie presents Shaken Up posted at Kevin & Stacie: Our Ethiopian Adoption Journey.

Heidi presents Story Time posted at Mommy Monsters Inc.

I present Rematched posted at my other blog Hunna's Happenings.

This concludes the 3rd edition of the Adoption Journey Blog Carnival. The next carnival will be hosted here on March 1st. If you would like to enter a submission for that carnival please do so by clicking here. Thanks again for visiting! May you find much joy and love along your adoption journey!

Blog Carnival Update

2008-01-30T16:42:00.000-08:00

Lots of people are having trouble submitting posts for the blog carnival through the widget. So to make it easier you can just click here to go to the carnival submission form. The link will take you directly to the form and you just have to fill it out and your post is entered. It's very easy. Hopefully that will help.

I will post the blog carnival on Friday so please come back to visit. So far I have several really great entries. I'd love to have more though. If you would be willing to put a post about the carnival on your blog to direct your readers that would be awesome. I look forward to sharing the entries with you Friday!

Silly Photo

2008-01-30T13:00:00.000-08:00

Julie over at And The Rest is History is having a silly photo contest. You can learn more about it by checking out this post. My favorite silly photo that I've taken recently is of my niece Miss Mattie. She is always getting into something and it just cracks me up.

The Little Seed

2008-01-28T18:21:00.000-08:00

I'm really hooked on the store The Little Seed. They have really great organic products for children. They have clothes and bedding, toys and bottles. I've ordered a few things from their online site and I'm really excited for them to arrive. So far I've ordered these things.

The organic green to grow bottles.

And this cool CD with lullabies from around the world.

I'm just excited anytime I can find organic products. The whole lead based paint recall has me freaked out. It worries me to think what might be in the products that are so common for our children to use. While organic and natural can be a little more expensive I think the peace of mind is worth it. So the little seed is my newest shopping ground.

Accepting Submissions

2008-01-25T20:59:00.000-08:00

Okay I'm needing a little boost to my mood, a little zip to my step, a little light in my fire. So I'm asking for your help in doing that. I'm going to host another adoption blog carnival. I'm looking for your posts about adoption. They can be funny, they can be happy, they can be sad, they can be informative. I just want as many of you to submit posts as possible. Something that has always made me feel good about adoption is the way everyone supports one another in the blogging community. So lets see how many posts we can get and how many new people we can meet! The carnival will be posted on February 1st. So you just need to enter your submission by the 31st. You can submit a post by clicking on the widget to the right of this blog post. Let's get blogging folks!

No Baby

2008-01-23T19:33:00.001-08:00

I hate making these posts but I get to do it once again. Since I hate these posts so much I'm going to crosspost the same thing to both blogs. It saves me the little bit of sanity I have left.

At 12:30 A.M on Tuesday I got the call that Miss T was in labor. I made the frantic middle of night disoriented drive to the hospital. I made it in time to witness the birth of an amazing little boy and cut the cord at 4:30 A.M. To say it was a miracle is an understatement. Miss T and her family and the hospital staff were wonderful to me. I had a security band so I could be with the baby and take him to and from the nursery, I was able to have a private room and kept him with me the first 24 hours of his life. Heather and Darby were with us and were able to hold and love on him too. He was precious.

This morning when the time came to sign relinquishments mom choose to parent rather than move forward with the adoption. So yet again I packed up our things, kissed a sweet boy goodbye, and had to call the people I loved and tell them one more time never mind. I've heard all the platitudes, said all the prayers and cried more tears then I ever dreamed. But I'm home now and I'm without a baby but I'm really not alone.

Heather came home with me for awhile. She headed back home to go to school late this afternoon, Darby took a shift with me and Shawn, Amanda and Mattie did the dinner and evening shift. I'm gonna head to bed shortly and I'm looking forward to some rest in my own bed.

I won't lie I want to lay down on the nursery room floor and bawl. I want to throw things and scream and fight and give up. But I won't. I think back to my mom and how she fought for us. She adopted me after many miscarriages and she had a very tough pregnancy with Heather when doctors told her she would never carry a baby to term. And then she fought our whole lives to give us what we needed and be the mom God wanted her to be. And then when she found out she had pancreatic cancer and was going to die she fought till the end to stay with us. She didn't want to leave her children. It was her job to be with us so she fought and fought and fought.

She fought for her children because that is what mothers do. And I know that I will be a mother and I will fight until I have those children and I will fight till the day I die to be their mother. So instead of laying down and giving up I'm going to go back in that nursery and I'm going to pray to God that he will give me the strength to fight and wait and become the mother I'm meant to be.

Jessie

Progress

2008-01-19T20:07:00.001-08:00

Miss T went to the doctor yesterday and she is now dilated to a 4 and 90% effaced. So she is making progress. While she has some contractions they aren't consistent yet. So the doctor thinks she will probably deliver this week but isn't sure. It really depends on the contractions getting regular and consistent. So the only thing we know for sure is this little guy is still doing well and will make a debut some day.

Today I had an appointment with my attorney. He is a really nice guy. Since his office is in Kansas City my best friend Darby went with me and we made a day of it. We did some shopping, had lunch, went to my appointment and then hit the Cheesecake Factory for some wonderful dessert. It was a fun day.

Throughout this whole adoption process I've had either Heather, my sister, or Darby go with me to all my appointments. I don't mind doing it on my own but it's nice to have a second person there. Between two of us we remember to ask all the questions and we are more likely to remember the answers. I'm lucky to have such supportive friends and family. What we have started noticing though is that people automatically think we are lesbians when we go to the appointments together. It's funny to us now but at first it kind of threw us off. The attorney today was the most discreet and appropriate in asking us though. We were very impressed.

I think it's so funny that we are now living in 2008 and some people still think it's odd for a woman to adopt or parent on their own. It just makes sense to me to do this now even though I'm not married. While I would love to be married some day and while I would love to share my life and have children with someone I also don't want to wait. I figure I will develop my life the way I want it and if a man comes along that fits in that plan that's great. But if he never does that's okay too. I'm good on my own. I have a life I'm pleased with and a group of people that love and support me. That's all I need right now.

And thank God I have them all around while I WAIT this out. Waiting is more fun in groups I've found...

So Weird

2008-01-16T16:34:00.000-08:00

Okay this is really weird. I've had a feeling that Miss T will have this little boy on the 21st. It's Martin Luther King Jr. Day which I think would be a cool birthday. My sister would be able to be there with me since she doesn't have school which would be great. So I keep thinking it will be the 21st. What's crazy is that when I viewed the post I did a few minutes ago I saw my little ticker. I've been officially homestudy ready and waiting for a baby for 8 month 3 weeks and 2 days today. If this little boy arrived on the 21st it would mark the 9 month point of waiting. The perfect pregnancy length! Wouldn't that be amazing. Do you think that's a sign or am I reading to much into it...... Oh man I really need to not think about signs. Like I don't go crazy enough in my mind without worrying about things like that...

Lawyers

2008-01-16T16:28:00.001-08:00

Today I got a call from the adoption agency that I need to retain a lawyer to do my portion of the adoption. So I called my attorney and scheduled a meeting. Since we are so close to the due date he actually booked me for Saturday afternoon. He said he didn't have any regular openings during the week until the start of February and he didn't want to wait that long.

While Miss T is due on February 8th she will probably deliver early. Last Friday at her doctor's appointment she was already dilated to a 2 and was 80% effaced. The doctor says that she expects her to deliver anytime. So getting all the legal stuff in place in a hurry is important. Miss T meets with her attorney tomorrow. When I talked to her today she was feeling good, having a few contractions, but mainly worried about getting everything in place since he might debut early. She kept asking me if I was ready. I think I'm as ready as I can get without being to overly excited. It's so hard to prepare but remain detached. I'm beginning to think that's not possible. So I'm just trying to have faith that this will work out the way it's supposed to.

Pray for us all please... Lord knows we need it!

It's A Match

2008-01-11T15:42:00.000-08:00

The meeting with Miss T went very well today. We were both really comfortable with one another. She is a beautiful girl and a really great mom to her two year old twins! They are also adorable. Full of energy and lots of fun! We met for a couple of hours and talked most of the time. She had quite a few really good questions for me. I also got to meet her grandmother, sister, brothers, and a cousin. They were also very nice.

So at this point we both feel comfortable moving forward with an adoption plan. I'm trying my best to remain cautiously optimistic this time. I don't want to get too excited until he is here and the paperwork is signed. I don't want to pressure her or get too worked up. I am just very pleased that we both seemed to be on the same page about ongoing contact and what the future would look like. It gives me hope that we could potentially have a very positive open adoption. I was also thrilled that she liked the names I have picked out. I had a list of my top five boy names and she liked two of them. I also like the name that she had picked. So we are going to use one of my picks for the first name and her name for the middle name. So compromise it is.

That's what I know for today. The rollar coaster ride is just beginning. It's going to be a long month I believe!

Meeting

2008-01-08T20:47:00.000-08:00

I have a meeting with an expectant mother on Friday! My social worker contacted me yesterday with the information. She is due the beginning of February and wants to meet with me to talk about things. She liked my profile but has some questions about openness and my ideas on baby names. So we are going to meet on Friday for lunch with the social worker and see how it goes. I'm not getting all worked up this time. These meetings are not as overwhelming for me as they were before. In fact I like meeting with the expectant parents a lot. It's been fun getting to know them and learn more about them. I will probably love it even more when an adoption actually goes through and I can look back at it... Who knows! But that's the deal for today. I'll post on Friday and let you know how it goes.

Jessie

New Year

2008-01-02T19:49:00.000-08:00

I woke up on New Year's Day really excited. I have a feeling that this is the year that I'll become a mom. There are 365 days ahead of me that God can make that miracle happen in. I have no doubt that it will. One way or another I will have a little person in my life by this time next year. I don't know if that little person will be from Ethiopia or if they will be from here but somehow they will come into my life. That makes me feel really good. I would love it if they showed up tomorrow but just knowing it will be sometime this year makes me happy. 2008 is the year for me to become a mom. I hope it's the year all your adoption dreams come true also!

Congrats

2007-12-30T17:41:00.000-08:00

When I started this adoption journey I found a great blog run by two really great people! The more I read their blog the more I found that we had a lot in common. They had started the adoption journey very close to the same time I had. We were using the same agency for an Ethiopian adoption. And the most exciting part to me was that we were both accepted about a month apart so I thought maybe we could possible travel to Ethiopia together.

Well we won't be traveling together but boy I wanna celebrate with them because Bethany and Jeff got their referral for a wonderful little boy! They have a great referral story so you will have to go over and visit them and check it out. I'm so thrilled for them. They are going to be amazing parents. They are so blessed to have this little man and he is so blessed to have them.

And before anyone asks this does not mean I'm close to the end of my wait for a baby from Ethiopia. Bethany and Jeff made the great decision to open their age range and that is why they got a referral now. I'm continuing to wait for an infant 0-12 months which means that I have at least another 8 months probably longer. I also have heard nothing new on the domestic adoption side either. So while I wait I'm glad I can celebrate the blessings of friends!

I'm Alive

2007-12-11T20:48:00.001-08:00

Yes my blogging buddies I'm alive. I've just been horribly busy. My job has been crazy hectic, I've been sick, and I just finished up another semester of grad school. Fun times! If I ever go awhile without posting you can always visit me at my other blog Hunna's Happenings. Since I've had that blog the longest I do tend to post there almost every day.

So adoption wise I have very little to report. I'm still just waiting away. I keep praying for a Christmas baby. Maybe it will happen. If not I'd love a January baby or a February baby and heck March is a good month so that would work too. Okay let's get real I'm just hoping a baby shows up someday soon.

Since a baby hasn't shown up at my house I've started using the nursery as holiday central. I still go in the nursery to pray in the mornings. That calms me. But I've found that the nursury is a good place to store gifts. So it's filled with presents right now. I've also found that the changing table is a perfect height to wrap presents. No pain the back this year! And the crib stores wrapping paper wonderfully. I've slid all the rolls of wrapping paper through the slats on the crib and it works great. I can see what I have and how much. And it doesn't get all wrinkled up in a box or fall over on the floor.

So that's what's up in my world. No baby but lots of holiday prep. I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday season. Most of all I hope that you all get your little ones home soon!!!

Thanksgiving

2007-11-24T18:13:00.000-08:00

This post is cross posted from my other blog
Hunna's Happenings....

Wow Thanksgiving was great this year. On Thursday, Heather and I went to have Thanksgiving with my Dad's side of the family and we had a wonderful time. We played a game called Fact or Crap and we laughed like crazy. Fun game but lots of crap! :-) The family time was fun and I was ready for some laughing so that made me very thankful!

Friday I headed to Tulsa for Thanksgiving with my Mom's side of the family. Again I had a wonderful time. The food was amazing the family was great and I did lots more laughing. I already posted about the fun with Parker. Well there was fun to be had with lots of people, not just the Amazing PMan. My cousin Todd and his wife Sara were able to come in from Chicago. Their little boy Elliot is just adorable and his sister Evelyn so "pretty". She has great self esteem for a 2 year old. This was the first time I've seen Elliot in person and he is 10 months now. He looks just like his Daddy.

I really had a great time with my family. It's very hard for me to leave them. I cried when I left today and I cried when they called to check on me as I was driving home. I just love them so much. What is really great is that when I am with them I feel like my mom is around a little bit. It's funny how much I crave being with them because I feel her but then leaving them makes me miss her more. It's just hard to love so much because then the leaving is hard. But it won't be long till I'll see them again.

Here are some pics I got over the weekend. Too many cute kids. I'm so hoping that next year I'll have a little one to have pictures of too. I can't wait for my baby to meet all my family. Whatever baby I get will be so loved.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Adoption Photography

2007-11-12T20:26:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine told me about a great photography program called Celebrating Adoption. This program is made up of photographers throughout the US that donate their time to photograph families that have adopted a child within the last 12 months. The photographer will do a photo session for free and you will get one free set of photographs! How cool is that. The website I've linked to above has all of the details and some great sample photos for you to enjoy. They have a list of photographers from every state that are participating and are willing to donate their time to help celebrate new families. I'm so excited about this and can't wait to take part once I bring a little one home. I hope that some of you can get some great family photos taken too. If you've ever done this let me know. I'd love to know what it was like.

Family

2007-11-11T21:00:00.000-08:00

I have a really big family that is very supportive of my adoption plans. They all get really psyched about anything though. We like to celebrate things. It's just what we do. And we have something very exciting to celebrate now. My brother Shawn, his lovely wife Amanda and my beautiful niece Mattie are moving home in a couple of weeks!

They have been living about 10 hours away for quite awhile now. About 2 years ago they started talking about wanting to move home. But Amanda had a rough pregnancy with Mattie and they didn't want to move until after Mattie was born and they have had a horrible time of trying to get their house sold. But Shawn had a job interview here for a local company and got the job. So they will be moved here by December 1st.

I'm so thrilled that they will be close by. Mattie is 10 months old now and such a joy to be around. They were here all weekend and it's nice to know that it will only be a few weeks before I see them again rather than a few months! I'm so excited that Mattie and my future children will get to grow up together. And the best part is that Amanda will be available to do daycare for my baby so I won't have to worry about finding someone. That makes me feel a lot better. In a perfect world I'd get to stay home with my baby. But someone has to pay the bills. So having family do the daycare is the next best thing for me.

I love it when things fall into place.

Adoption Journey Blog Carnival

2007-11-01T07:09:00.000-07:00

The second edition of the Adoption Journey Blog Carnival begins today. I would like to thank everyone that participated this time around. I hope you enjoy the carnival! Please take the time to visit the participates and learn more about their adoption journey.

Leisa presents Why Adoption...Why Ethiopia... posted at An Aussieopian Family.

Jenny Alicea presents Can I play? posted at The Journey.

Lisa Merritt presents Dreaming of Sara posted at Russian Mafia Babe.

Jenny presents Halloween in the Philippines posted at Leap Of Faith.

Marcie presents The Dress posted at A Child Chosen.

Pickel presents Wait for it... posted at My Two Boys.

Kelli presents Unbelievable posted at Loving Mom seeks Vietnamese Prince or Princess.

Jocelyn presents She is So Big and Of Course So Cute!!! posted at My Ethiopian Princess.

Jessie presents Adoption Month posted at Hunna's Happening's.

The next adoption journey blog carnival will be on December 1st. If you are interested in hosting please contact me. Thanks!

Last Chance

2007-10-30T19:55:00.000-07:00

The Adoption Journey Blog Carnival will be here on November 1st. So this is the last chance to get posts submitted if you would like to participate. To submit a post please look at the widget on the right and click on the submit an article link. Then you just fill in the info! Please submit your articles before 10:00 p.m. on October 31st.

Let's have a fun carnival!!!

Waiting Is My Game!

2007-10-30T11:07:00.000-07:00

Well Miss N delivered a very healthy baby boy yesterday. She and the baby are doing very well. The paternity tests show that the baby is her husbands and they will be parenting him. So no baby for me right now but I'm really okay. I'm not just a little okay, I'm not just saying I'm okay. I really am okay! I knew going into this situation that there were many unknowns and a big risk and that helped. I really feel like this has been a great experience. Meeting her was wonderful and a fun time. And meeting the folks at a new agency is a good thing. Now that they know me I know they will keep me in mind for other situations so that is always good!

So no crying this time! That's a good thing. It could always be worse. And now I'm back to waiting which I'm getting good at. I'm learning all the time and I really feel like I'm growing through this process. All of this is going to make me a really super mom one day! I know God has some great plan and I'm just so excited to see it unfold one day soon.

Labor Pains

2007-10-28T19:37:00.000-07:00

I met with the expectant mom on Friday. She is also Miss N. I think it's so funny that every expectant mom I match with has a name that starts with N. I guess it's consistent right...

She is a really funny girl. She has a great sense of humor. She is also incredibly smart and concerned about making a plan for her child's future. She asked me some of the best questions. And she told me a lot about her that she would want the child to know. She has put a lot of thought into her plan and seems really mature beyond her years to me.

She started having contractions during our meeting so we thought the baby might make a debut over the weekend. Her contractions were four minutes apart but after a trip to the hospital they stopped. So the waiting game continues. She is just miserable and really ready to have this little person. If she doesn't have him naturally by Tuesday then they will induce her Tuesday morning.

Hopefully I will be able to give you all some good news soon!

Nervous

2007-10-24T15:05:00.000-07:00

I've got butterflies in my tummy as I type. I'm so so nervous to even blog about this because I'm afraid I will jinx it. But I blog about everything and I'm not gonna let my nerves stop me now.

I've been talking with the adoption agency for the past week and there is an expectant mother that has decided she would like for me to possibly adopt her baby. It's a strange situation actually. The baby is due on Friday and after the baby is born there needs to be a paternity test done. The paternity test will determine if we can move forward with an adoption plan. So while my last adoption was 50/50 this one is even more risky. But I feel good and hopeful and open to whatever this situation holds. I actually feel pretty calm about it. I have faith that God knows the plan and is in control and I'm just along for the ride...

What I'm most nervous about is the let down if it doesn't work out. Not the let down for me but for the people that care about me. I hate disappointing them so I'm hoping that things work out so I don't have to call them and say oh never mind... I hate that part!

So anyways that's the deal. We will see what the future holds. If you are a praying person I wouldn't mind if you said a little one for me...

Panic in my Heart

2007-10-22T15:50:00.000-07:00

I had a meeting at work on Friday morning that started at 9:00 and lasted till 11:00. Well when I got out of the meeting and went to my office my cell phone was beeping at me. I flipped it open and see 7 missed calls all from one of the adoption agencies I've talked with. So of course I scream and call them back.

It seems they have a potential situation that they want to present my profile on and wanted my permission. The expectant mom is due soon so they were in a hurry to get it shown and that's why they called so many times. I told them it would be fine to show the profile. I also explained to the social worker that I appreciated her being so diligent but in the future if it's just a maybe or a I wanna show your profile call she should only call twice. When I see seven missed calls I'm convinced that she is on the way to my house with a baby and it strikes panic in my heart.

She laughed like crazy and promised not to do that in the future. She actually said it didn't cross her mind that I would think that. That silly gal. Of course it is rational to freak out and immediately think a baby is coming when there are more than five calls. :-)

Adoption Journey Blog Carnival

2007-10-14T15:44:00.000-07:00

I'm now accepting submissions for the second Adoption Journey Blog Carnival. All you need to do is submit a post through the blog carnival widgit on the right hand side of my blog. After you do that please put a post on your blog telling others about the carnival and how to enter. We had 15 submissions last time so for the November 1st carnival I'd love to see 20. I'd also like to see some posts adoptees, first families, siblings of adopted children, etc. We didn't have any of those entries last time and it would be cool to include them and show all sides of adoption. Hope you all have time to enter!

Cool Blog, Cool Family

2007-10-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

I found a really great blog today! I stumbled upon it, thought I'd read the most recent posts and then come back to visit again. Well before I knew it an hour had past and I had read months worth of posts. I was HOOKED! This family really touched my heart. Someday I hope that I have a home filled with children like they do. So please go visit too by clicking here.

The Plan

2007-10-12T20:51:00.000-07:00

Bethany asked me awhile back in a comment what adoption plan I'm currently on. Lord knows I've tried about everything at this point right. So she and everyone else can pray with some specifics here is the run down.

I'm still on the wait list with my international agency for an Ethiopia adoption. This is where I started and I still feel a strong connection to Ethiopia and this path. Right now I'm like 5 1/2 months waiting with that agency. The wait time for families requesting either gender 12 months or younger is running 14 months. I figure by the time I would get close to the top of the list it would be about 16/17 months. Just trying to be realistic.

I am also open to a private domestic adoption. If you have read my blog for long you will know I had a failed domestic adoption in July. While that was hard I really enjoyed that process. I loved getting to know Miss N and I so loved being able to be there when Roman was born, holding him, loving him, getting to meet him right away. While there was heart break involved it was part of my process and I have no regrets. If another domestic situation appeared I would not pass it down! However, I'm not currently involved with any particular agency regarding that plan. Several agencies around Kansas have my information and present it to expectant families but no real plan or match exists at this time.

As far as pursuing a pregnancy at this time it's just not an option. My health is not stable enough for that. While my diabetes is in better control my kidneys are not functioning at a capacity that would be healthy during a pregnancy. The risk of losing one or both kidneys is just to great. However, that does not mean that someday in the future I wouldn't be willing to revisit the idea. I'm really trying to get healthy! I'm following a healthy diet, exercising, and taking all my meds even thought I HATE them and the side effects. My goal is not to end up getting well enough to attempt a pregnancy. My goal is to develop a healthy plan so I can be the best mother I can be.

Honestly I don't care if I adopt from Ethiopia or from the US. I want to bring a baby home. Most of all I want to raise a child that God has planned for me. I know that he is working on preparing me and a baby for one another. I don't know where that little baby is right now but I have complete faith that someday they will end up living in my house and my heart...

So that's where I'm at. Pray away my friends!

Tagged

2007-10-12T16:02:00.000-07:00

Bethany tagged me with this and I just love to play along so here goes...

Jobs I've had:

Fast food worker- In High School
Telemarketer- In High School
Assistant at a Drug Treatment Facility
Adoption Coordinator for Children in Foster Care
Family Support Worker for Children in Foster Care
Aftercare Specialist for children just getting out of Foster Care
Permanency Supervisor for Foster Care/Adoption

The last three were promotions within the same company. I've been there awhile now...

Places I've Lived

Kansas
Kansas
Kansas

I don't move....

Food I love

Mexican
Chinese
Ice cream
Cheesy Potatoes
Spaghetti
Bread

No wonder my butt is so big...

Places I'd rather be

No where. I'm pretty pleased with where I'm at.

Favorite TV Shows

Grey's Anatomy
ER
Private Practice
The Biggest Loser
American Idol
Days of Our Lives
Dr. Phil
Journey Man
Army Wives

Okay I watch way to much TV!!!

Books I love!

This Much I Know Is True
To Kill A Mockingbird
Out of the Wild
What Crazy Looks Like On An Ordinary Day
Anything by James Patterson, Stephan King, Dean Koontz, or Patricia Cornwell

People I'm Tagging

Anyone that wants to play along.

Outgoing Mail

2007-10-07T18:08:00.000-07:00

When Miss N had baby Roman I promised her that I would send her copies of all the pictures I took that day. When I got home without Roman I wasn't sure exactly what to do with them. I couldn't just delete them, I couldn't put them up somewhere around the house, and I didn't know if I should contact her to mail them. Well now that time has passed and I'm tired of looking at the package sitting on my desk I am mailing them out to her tomorrow. I'm sending all the pictures including the one's with Heather and I in them. I figure she can decide what to do with them now. I just feel like if I made the promise I need to follow through regardless of how the situation turned out.

So this is the note I put in the card with the pictures.

"Miss N-

Here are copies of all the pictures I took the day the baby was born. I promised to send them to you and I do apologize for the delay. I wish I could have spoken to you at the hospital and told you good bye. I hate that things were left the way they were. I'm so blessed that you included Heather and I in such a miracle. What a beautiful baby boy. I'm blessed that I was able to watch his debut into the world. I have a feeling he will do great things. I think of you, little C, and the baby often. I pray that you all are well. Best wishes to each of you in the future.

Much Love
Jessie"

So that's it. I don't know if she will respond or not. In fact I don't need a response. I just needed some closure. While I still miss Roman I also really miss Miss N. She and I spent much time on the phone getting to know one another. I miss knowing her. She really is a marvelous girl. And I do pray for them and think of them often. I so hope that they are doing okay and have the support they need. This world has been tough on Miss N and I pray that things are easing and she is well.

What do you think? Do you think it's okay to send the pics? Do you think I'm overstepping my bounds? I don't know the rules for this type of thing and I'm just playing along in the best way I know how...

Baby Baby

2007-10-06T10:31:00.000-07:00

There are little babies everywhere in my world right now. Several of my friends are expecting and we are planning their baby showers. And one of my friends just had a beautiful little boy last week. He is so adorable and snuggly. We think he is a keeper. All these little people arriving into the world makes me so excited to bring a little person home. I look forward to having my child be surrounded by other children close in age. The fact that so many of my friends are having kids is nice. It means I'll always have a parenting buddy. I figure if they have their chidlren first then I can always seek them out for advice. And in the mean time I have lots of little ones to hold and practice with. Fun times!

Visiting Friends

2007-10-02T17:13:00.000-07:00

I would encourage all of you to head over to Mommy Monsters, Inc. This is a really fun blog. For those of you that had fun with my carnival Heidi will be hosting another blog carnival on her blog. It should be fun. I've already signed up and I'm looking forward to visiting that carnival as well as hosting another one here on Novemeber 1st. It's carnival crazy folks!

What I Didn't Know

2007-10-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

Man when I started this adoption journey I was so naive. And I work in child welfare and I'm adopted. I should have known better. But I really thought this would all start and I would get the perfect match and I'd paint a nursery and buy cute clothes and then in no time at all a wonderful little baby would be in my arms.

There are so many things I didn't know. I didn't know how much paperwork was involved... I didn't know how many people were involved, social workers, references, facilitators, etc... I didn't know how much frustration, agony, tears, and heart ache were involved... I didn't know how much money and time and energy would be spent....

But most of all I didn't know how strong I was. I didn't know I was strong enough to do this. I didn't know I could wait like this. I didn't know how supportive my friends and family would be. I didn't know how much faith I would have to put in God and how much peace I would find in prayer. I didn't know how many great people were out there that I would get to know and care about. I didn't know how much I wanted to be a mom. The lengths we go to in this journey to parenthood. I'm glad I didn't know what this would be like. I'm glad I was naive. I'm glad I'm doing this with so many other people.

Adoption Journey Blog Carnival: Edition 1

2007-10-01T00:02:00.000-07:00

"The journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. "-

The journey of adoption is always long and often bumpy. For those of us on that journey our friends and family are a huge support! Many of us have been fortunate to find support from others on the journey through blogs. To celebrate that I started this blog carnival as a way to connect with one another and get to know other adoption bloggers. I hope that you will take the time to visit one another, leave comments, share encouragement and come back to visit again!

"Sometimes its not the child we carry that belongs to us but the child we have in our hearts. "

-Pickel

Pickel presents USCIS, I Wish You Knew Me posted at My Two Boys.

Suzanne presents holding time posted at :: adventures in daily living ::.

William presents William & John's adoption story: What we've done so far... posted at William & John's adoption story.

Jenna presents The EpiBlog posted at The EpiBlog at InconceivableJourney.

"A Birthmother puts the needs of her child above the wants of her heart" Unknown

Dawn presents Family Found: Differences posted at Family Found.

Emily presents t-shirts posted at soli deo gloria.

Heidi presents When Moms Grieve: The Dark Side of Adoption posted at Mommy Monsters Inc..

Jocelyn presents Becoming Carey! posted at My Ethiopian Princess.

"Somehow destiny comes into play. These children end up with you and you end up with them. It's something quite magical." Nicole Kidman

Julie presents Happy BirthMother's Day!!! posted at My Journey to Family.

Katy presents Referral Shmeeshmerral posted at Straight Magic.

Kerri presents Attachment and a physics lesson posted at Kerri's journey to mommyhood.

Malía's Mama presents Mama... (entry # 280) posted at Journey to My Daughter (and as of March 19th, Journeying with my Daughter).

"I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him." -1 Samuel 1:27

Jeni presents Tim and Jeni's Ethiopian Adoption: first post! posted at Tim and Jeni's Ethiopian Adoption.

Jessie presents Home Sweet Home posted at Hunna's Happenings.

Jenny presents Adoption Fundraising posted at Days of My Life as a WAHM.

I hope that you have enjoyed the carnival. The next Adoption Journey Carnival will take place on Novemeber 1st. It will be hosted here unless someone else would like to host it on their blog. If you are interested in hosting please feel free to contact me. To submit an article for the next carnival please enter it here. Thanks again for visiting and best wishes in your adoption journey!!!

Full of Hope

2007-09-26T14:29:00.001-07:00

This week has been one of the best weeks since I've been home from Louisiana. The waiting this go around has been horrible until this week. When I was in church on Sunday my mind was wandering. I was thinking and worrying about all the adoption stuff. Then I kinda snapped back to the sermon right when pastor was talking about how when we sit in church and worry it's like not trusting that good will take care of those worries for us. It helped me so much to hear that. All week whenever I've started to worry or get anxious about the adoption thing I've just reminded myself that God is taking care of it. God is preparing me for motherhood and he is preparing a child for me. It has given me such peace and so much hope. I'm so thankful that my worries are easing some and there is a quiet in the storm of my mind.

Adoption Blog Carnival

2007-09-21T21:46:00.000-07:00

There are so many great adoption blogs out there. I've been lucky to find so many great ones. But I've searched and searched to find them. So I thought it might be kind of fun to start and adoption blog carnival to help meet new bloggers and get to know more about one another.

If you have never taken part in a blog carnival have no fear! It's painless and actually lots of fun. If you look on the sidebar of my blog you can see a little link box that will direct you to the blog carnival site so you can enter your blog in the carnival. What you do is select a post from your blog to have in the carnival. It can be any post you want as long as it is about adoption.

After you have entered the carnival please put a post on your blog letting your readers know about the carnival and how to enter themselves. Then on the day of the carnival you can come back here to my blog and you will see a lovely little blog carnival of links to some great adoption blogs. Well hopefully there will be a lovely list. We have to get folks to enter first.

So please take the time to enter and encourage your readers to also. Maybe we can make some new adoption friends and find some support as we move forward in our adoption journeys.

Best wishes!

Jessie

Oh the first adoption blog carnival will be on October 1st. Please enter your submissions no later than the last day of September.

Long Time No Post

2007-09-16T20:31:00.001-07:00

It's been awhile since I posted last. There really isn't much to report so that is why. I'm still just waiting. Waiting for the phone to ring. Waiting for a baby to arrive. I'm not such a big fan of waiting but I'm hanging in there.

I've been going into the nursery this week which is a new thing. Originally when I got home from Louisiana without the baby I just put all the baby stuff in there and shut the door. I didn't open it for weeks. But this week I have started going in there to sit and pray. It calms me down now and helps me focus on what is important. It's a very calm and peaceful room which makes me feel good. I know that some little person will find solace there some day. Let's hope it's a day real soon okay!

Good Advice

2007-08-21T21:03:00.001-07:00

From now on when I can't decide what to do about something I'm posting about it and I'm just taking advice from you all. You all are the best! Miss Bethany left me a comment that made my blood pressure go back in the normal range and left me feeling so much calmer about my situation.

So like Bethany says I'm taking a day I'm taking a breath and I'll figure it out. I've decided that I'm just going to spend the next week in prayer and wait for the answers to come to me.

Decision Making

2007-08-19T17:23:00.000-07:00

I'm really struggling with making a decision about how to proceed in this crazy journey towards motherhood. I had an appointment with my diabetes doctor last week and she feels like I'm on track in getting my blood sugar down. But she thinks it needs to be down and stable at least 6 months before I attempt artificial insemination. Even then she is not optimistic that I will be able to maintain a pregnancy if I would get pregnant.

So I really feel like adoption is the right path for me. Now I'm just struggling with what route to take with that. I can't decide if I should go back to my original plan of an Ethiopian adoption or stick with the domestic route and try to get rematched. I like the fact that there is less to worry about with an Ethiopian adoption. There is a fairly clear timeline and there isn't the changing their mind dilemia. However, I like the fact that I can get a newborn through domestic and I like the idea of an open adoption.... So what to do what to do. It's hard to decide.

Any suggestions????

Good Egg

2007-08-10T08:05:00.001-07:00

Well my eggs are good! I never thought I'd type that phrase. How funny! But seriously they are good. I have some in there. But my blood sugar is not so good. So now the yucky side effect med dosage is being increased and I have a lovely new diet to follow. I'm calling this diet "Nothing tastes better than being a mom". Maybe that will help me follow it. Basically is is low carb. Once I get my blood sugar in check he says we can try a round of clomid and artificial insemination and see what happens. I'm hoping that in the next six weeks I can get the sugars down and get back on track.

Things We Do

2007-08-06T18:39:00.000-07:00

Oh the things we do in the quest for children. The new meds are kicking my butt! I have about every side effect listed on the bottle. I'm hoping it will pass soon and I'll just get some of the benefits instead of all the bad. I feel like crap. I also can't have any soda while I'm taking it so the caffeine withdrawal is making me psycho. My head hurts so bad and all I want to do is sleep or cry. Not off to such a great start. I have my follow-up appt. with the doctor tomorrow so hopefully he will give me some good news. I'd like to think the headaches and upset stomach were worth it.....

Not In My Dreams

2007-08-02T21:29:00.000-07:00

You know when I was a little girl I dreamed of having a family. I thought I would marry some rich guy that would support me and a houseful of children. I figured I'd have five or six kids. I always thought I'd have some and adopt some and create some little UN family. I honestly never imagined that having one child would be so difficult.

I went to the doctor today and he seems to think that artificial insemination might work for me. I do have PCOS so he changed my diabetes meds around so that I'm on a med that will help with my blood sugar as well as my PCOS and ovulation. He is running lab work today and the results will be back for my appointment on Tuesday. We will meet then to decide what course of action we are going to take. I figure I will have to take some type of fertility drugs but we need to figure out where to start from first. Who would have ever guessed I'd be going through all this.

So now I get to work on picking a sperm donor! That's worse than dating!!! I have a wonderful catalog of people to choose from. Good times.

Lots of Stuff

2007-07-29T17:14:00.000-07:00

When I first started this journey I said that I wasn't going to buy much baby stuff ahead of time. I swore I would just get the neccessities because I didn't want a house full of baby stuff and no baby. Well then as it got closer to the time of Roman's birth I bought more and more stuff. I decorated more and before I knew it I had created a very baby friendly home.

Now I have a bunch of baby stuff and no baby. I also have a nursery no baby and no guest room. So to make the wait and the heart ache a little easier all of the baby related items are crammed into the nursery. It is very full. And the door is closed. So I have a room full of stuff crammed almost to the ceiling but no baby items in other parts of the house. So it's working I suppose. Crazy!!!!

Good Day

2007-07-27T20:45:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day. Not a perfect day. But a good day. I woke up in my own bed! That was wonderful!!! In the last 30 days I've only spent about 24 at home. It was splendid to sleep in my own bed. And I bought groceries today and I cooked a healthy meal and ate it at my table. That's wonderful! Things are looking up.

I spoke with the adoption agency today and told them to take me off hold and on rematch status. God doesn't close a door without opening another. So I need to unlock it and be ready so he can open the next one. I'm also doing some soul searching about some other options. I'm going to meet with my doctor next week and discuss some other options and see if he thinks that artificial insemination might work for me. I don't know that I want to take that route but I want more information.

So I move forward!

Jessie

Home Sweet Home

2007-07-26T18:36:00.000-07:00

We are finally home. I've never been so happy to walk into my house! I swear I walked in the door and my stress level dropped considerably. I just feel safe here. The drive home with no baby was a bit of torture but now that I'm here it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I feel lonely and angry and sad and frustrated but also hopeful. This is a very rough bump in the road but it's not the end of the road. Being a mom is not something I want it is something that I'm destined for. I will be a mom. This week wasn't my time but nothing will stop me. I will have a baby and this is just a painful delay.

One thing I know for certain is that God does not make mistakes. There is some reason that Roman did not come home with me. It just wasn't our time. I don't know what other baby is out there but there is one and it's waiting for me. God will send the right baby my way. While Roman is a wonderful, beautiful, splendid little boy he is not my little boy. So I will wait, my heart will heal and I will be a better mother because of this in the future.

I'm off to enjoy a good nights sleep in my own bed!

Not My Son

2007-07-24T19:39:00.000-07:00

Miss N has now decided that the best plan for Roman is for him to be adopted by her sister. Heather and I will be returning to Kansas alone tomorrow.

My Son Roman

2007-07-24T16:34:00.001-07:00

This is my son Roman and I! Roman Keith arrived at 11:07 this morning and weighed 11 pounds 7 ounces. He is healthy and Miss N is healthy and I'm thrilled!

Almost There

2007-07-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning at 5:30 they will be inducing Miss N. I can hardly stand it. We are so close now. Tomorrow I will meet my son for the first time and I can't wait!!! I just can't wait to look into his eyes for the first time and say hello. I just want to welcome him to the world. It's overwhelming and I'm just so ready. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight. I'll try to post some pictures of him as soon as I can.

Please pray that all goes well for Miss N and the baby and that they are both healthy and safe.

Attorneys

2007-07-20T18:40:00.000-07:00

I spent the majority of the day on the phone with my attorneys. Lucky me I get two attorneys for this adoption and one legal coordinator. I have an attorney to represent me in Louisiana and another one that will handle everything on the Kansas end. And the lovely legal coordinator keeps both of them on track and handles the ICPC portion of the adoption. So we had a big conference call today to go over everything and make sure that everyone knows what is going on.

I'm starting to get excited and overwhelmed as the big day gets closer. The attorneys brought up many things I hadn't thought of. Some good some not so good. So now the wheels are turning in my head. I'm just ready for this little guy to get here so we can get home and start living rather than doing all this planning. I hate that a matter of the heart has to involve so many people and papers and red tape. I just wanna love this little guy and be done with it.

Never Ending

2007-07-18T21:05:00.000-07:00

I really think that Miss N is having the longest pregnancy in history. Okay so maybe not the longest one. Maybe the truth of the matter is that I have no patience when it comes to waiting for baby. I just want to hold him and meet him and I want to do it yesterday. :-) But you can't rush babies...

The doctor has scheduled her to be induced on July 24th. So not much longer now right... This is the downhill slide. I'm just ready and Miss N is ready. But the 24th sounds like a great birthday right. My dad's birthday is the 26th so at least they will be close dates. We can do dual parties. That will be fun.

Pictures

2007-07-15T07:20:00.000-07:00

While we wait for baby to arrive I thought I would share some photos with you from the nursery. My Dad and Heather and I worked hard to pull it all together. I love how it turned out... I think this little guy will be very cozy there.

I just love the bedding and furniture. I got the bedding months ago shortly after my mom died. I wasn't even looking for bedding at that time. Wasn't even planning for a baby yet and I was overwhelmed by this feeling that my mom was right there. I looked over and saw the bedding and realized I had to get it because it was the perfect combination of my mom and I. I love all things green and my mom loved elephants. So that was the right pick! I think it has turned out great in there. For the time being I also have the bears made out of my mom's clothes in the crib. I will take them out when the baby comes home but it makes me feel good to have them in the room. I want as much of her around my baby as possible.

Long Drive

2007-07-13T16:44:00.000-07:00

Heather and I have made it to Louisiana safe and sound. Of course this little guy is stubborn and has decided to chill out and wait awhile longer. The contractions have slowed down for the time being which works out okay. That gives us time to get a good nights sleep tonight and we will be a little more prepared for his arrival. Right now we are so exhausted we wouldn't have been much good at the hospital tonight anyways. We are going to eat some dinner and then call it an early night.

Baby Time

2007-07-12T21:09:00.003-07:00

Heather and I are heading to Lousiana now and it's the middle of the night. Babies don't have a time schedule. Hopefully the next time I post I'll be a mommy!!!

2007-07-09T21:09:00.000-07:00

Miss N is moving right along. She had another doctor's appointment today and she is dilated 3 cm. This baby is going to make his arrival soon! It's so unreal to know that within the next week or so my little guy will be in the world! Last night when I couldn't sleep I went in the nursery and sat for awhile. I was trying to imagine what it will be like to peer over the crib and see him laying there. Right now it's just an empty bed and in awhile I will look over the edge and there he will be. My baby!

I don't know what it's like to be pregnant. I'm not sure how it feels as you prepare for that kind of arrival. All I know for sure is what this is like and it's very weird. It is hard to believe some days that I'm going to have a baby. I see all of his things and I'm planning for him but since I can't feel him it's hard to believe that it is real. It's also weird to not know where he is all the time. Today I was trying to get ahold of Miss N and couldn't reach her right away. I wasn't worried really it was more of a longing. Like I want to know that she and the baby are okay, what they are doing, where they are. It's so weird. But when a person is pregnant they know where their baby is. It's just so odd. Maybe I need to try to sleep a little more. I don't know... I'm just weird I suppose....

That's my world though... Weird...

Baby Boy

2007-06-29T21:56:00.000-07:00

I went to Louisiana to meet Miss N in person and attend her sonogram. First she is wonderful! She is really a kind, funny, beautiful, and generous gal. We really had a great time hanging out and just talking. We laughed a lot and talked about a lot of things. She is a person if I just happened to meet somewhere I would want to be her friend so it made it very easy.

Her doctors appointment went great and the sonogram was AWESOME! I've seen sonograms before but never a sonogram of my baby so it was a whole different ballgame. She didn't want me to cry but as soon as I saw his little heart beating I couldn't hold back the tears. He is real and I feel in love with him at first sight. Oh and yes he is a BOY! I'm thrilled about that. He looks healthy and is already weighing 6 lbs and 4 oz. So he will be a big boy. Even though he isn't due until the 23rd the doctor is thinking that he may make an arrival around the 9th or 10th. The doc doesn't want him to get to much over 8lbs.

So the trip was wonderful, Miss N is wonderful and I'm feeling wonderful about all this. Meeting Miss N eased a lot of my concerns and according to her it eased a lot of her concerns too. As I was leaving to go to the airport she asked me if I was going to change my mind. That cracked me up. I pray that she won't change her mind and she is worried about me changing mine. She said that she was afraid I wouldn't like her and then wouldn't want the baby. I reassured her that I really like her and that I love the baby and their is no way I will change my mind. She seemed relieved. :-)

Louisiana Here I Come

2007-06-20T21:12:00.000-07:00

Miss N is having a sonogram on the 27th and she has asked me to come with her. So I lucked out and was able to get a plane ticket that didn't cost a fortune. I will be flying to Louisiana on the 26th and coming back home on the 28th. Not much time there but long enough to have a little time with N and attend the doctors appointment. I'm excited about that.

Today when we talked on the phone we talked about names. She and I like very different types of names. That may be difficult. Ultimately I can pick whatever name I want but I would really like to find a name that we both are comfortable with and combines a little bit of all of us. So I'm breaking out the big name book to take on the plane with me. Maybe that will give me enough time to find the right name....

35 Days

2007-06-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

Only 35 days until the baby is due. That is amazing to me. Only 35 days and this little person will enter such a big big world. And God willing that little person will know me as his or her mom! I've been talking with Miss N and I adore her. She is such a strong, funny, loving person. She reminds me a lot of myself at her age. Focused yet still a little lost. I'm so grateful I've been giving the opportunity to get to build a relationship with her. Now I can't imagine adopting any other way.

I've been working like crazy to get things in order around the house. Heather and I have cleared out the spare bedroom and we are breaking out the paint tonight. Our goal is to have it painted and decorated this weekend. Then we have to figure out how to get all that baby furniture put together. YIKES! Everything is falling into place.

Good Day

2007-06-12T14:56:00.000-07:00

**** Updated****

Well "the expectant mother considering adoption" or Miss N as I will call her from now on has chosen me to parent her child! I couldn't be more thrilled. She is a really a phenomenal gal and I'm so excited to move forward and get to know her better. I'm also thrilled to become a mom! I had to lay my head down on the kitchen table and cry when they told me she wanted to move forward with the adoption plan. I'm gonna be a mom! That is so overwhelming to me!!! I'm gonna be a mom!

I forgot to tell you all that the expected due date is July 23rd! Just around the corner!!!

Conference Call

2007-06-12T09:36:00.000-07:00

I just talked to my social worker and I'm scheduled to have a conference call with her and the birth mom at 1:30 today. I'm so stinking nervous! I've been nervous before but nothing like this!!! It's crazy. My stomach is churning and my heart is racing. And I still have two hours to wait. I do have a list of questions to ask her and I know she has a list of questions for me. Hopefully that will help me. If I get to nervous I can just revert back to the list. Good plan right!

Wish me luck.... No just wish me blessings...

New Opportunity

2007-06-11T20:33:00.000-07:00

Well it's been a good week in adoption land. My profile is up on the web. I finished up all my education stuff and parenting plan so that is awesome! And most of all I got a call tonight about a possible adoption situation. The agency is presenting my information to a birthmom tomorrow and if she likes that then we will schedule a conference call. So things are moving along. God has a plan and it's starting to unfold!

Jessie

On The Web

2007-06-05T18:15:00.000-07:00

Well it's been an odd couple days. I got so excited about the call I got and now I'm let down. The agency that was representing the birthmom doesn't work with singles so that match won't be happening. But I'm confident that the baby for me is out there! God knows the beginning and the end and I have faith that he will pick a better ending to this story than I ever could. So I push forward.

To get my profile out for more birthfamilies to see I'm now on the agency website. You can click here to see it! So if you know anyone that is interested in making an adoption plan for their baby you can send them that way!

Jessie

Eight Ball Rocks!!!

2007-05-30T16:52:00.000-07:00

Okay the Eight Ball rocks. And so does God!!! I got a call today! The adoption agency called and they have a birth mom that is interested in me. She liked my profile and has some questions for me. So we need to get that arranged so we can meet and all that good stuff. But we have a step in the right direction. She is 7 months along now and has a doctor appointment tomorrow. YEAH!

So regardless of what decision she makes please pray for her and her baby. I hope that she can have some peace as she makes a decision and I hope that she and the baby get the care they need.

Jessie